Where should I begin?

Where should I begin?


I don't know where to make a start.

I am confused, nobody to guide or give some kind of help.

 And now, I feel lost. Lost in my own world.

Where should I seek for help?

Nobody seems to care much what lingers in my head.

They tend to push me away, just letting me drown

Where should I begin.

Where? and how?

=(

Can I be like that?

I don't know why, today I feel so sad. Ermm not kind of so so sad, it's more of I am disappointed with so many things. Trying to do the best you can in certain things, but it ended up that, you were not being appreciated of what you did, it really hurts you know. You study almost every night, thinking that you want to master the topics, but end up you are being accused for not studying and not doing well in performance. It hurts. You don't know where to turn to. Being in front of all of them, and being scolded with harsh words and was labelled as 'stupid questions you've asked' 'irrelevant questions', 'haphazard history' were not a nice things you know. In fact, before I presented, I did have the aim to impress him, to try to show that I am studying, but ended up I spoiled everything. He didn't satisfy with my performance. He said that I did badly in Psychiatry, I should brush up my Psychiatry, and if only he knew that I spent most of my nights ( every night I shall say) just to open a psychiatry book to study. I rarely have the interest that much actually. Not everybody has the interest in Psychiatry. It hurts me in a way. Tonight, because of that, I don't feel like studying, I don't feel like open a book. I just want to rebel, really want to rebel even only I am the only one knowing that I am rebelling right now. Actually, this was just a small part of many things I am going to face later, I think even worse than this. That's why, I held my tears from falling, eventhough during my way back from hospital to my room, I was really about to burst anytime if anybody provoked me. I held it tight, even in my room all alone, I forced myself not to think about what has happened, and what has hurt me.. Let's just think it on a bright side. Let the mistakes become my good teacher. I will try not to repeat the mistakes and try to improve for the next time. There's always next time right? I promise myself to rewrite what mistakes I've made and I'm going to repeat it again and again. Let this be a lesson to me. I really want to be a very good doctor later, not just a doctor on the name, but a really real doctor who can do work very well, who can be a good listener to the patients. I don't want to be mechanical doctor, I want to be a doctor with a good soul and experience.

On the other hand, the things that made me sad today, hmm, I guess about me going or not going back. Mak keep telling me to just go back even the things about the car is not settled yet, because she said so many things she needs to do; to service the car, to repair the damaged part of car, the damaged paint, to refill the gas for aircond. So many things. I know. But, going back more than one time, oh I can't really afford that even I really wish to do so. It's so expensive to go back you know :( I really don't want to burden them this time, I just want to use my scholarship for my expenses, that's all. I hope everything will be just fine. Just fine.

Good thing for today: I learnt something in usrah today, about Firaun's wife, Asiah. She was very loyal and really have strong faith in Allah till she didn't care to be suffering and died just to protect and keep believing in Allah. She should be a good model to Muslimah. Can we be like her? Can we? Just think and muhasabah. 

About to rain?

Assalamualaikum....

Today, my mood is as gloomy as a sky about to rain. I don't know what things that matter, usually I could resist the sad feeling when he didn't look into my eyes while explaining, but this time, I felt so so sad, I felt useless, I felt like I wasn't even there, at all. Yes, I knew, a long time ago, I have faced this kinda situation, in which I was able to let go off the feeling. I still remembered those times, when my heart was too soft, I was too jealous but I couldn't do anything, I just kept it to myself, couldn't even share with anybody. And thus, I rode my scooter, away from the place I've been, I went to a place where at least, I could cry as loud as I can, nobody even cared.

And now, I've nowhere to run, no one to even share, nobody will understand..

I miss the moment in Manipal so much. So much. I miss the place so much. I miss Maya, and I miss everything, I miss the moment where I could cry on the bike, in which nobody there to know. =(


One other thing: My sister has gone for the kursus, yeah that kursus. And I didn't even know when will my time come, when and how.

Nurul Fitrilina, please be strong.

Don't fall at this moment. A lot more to come later. A lot more.

#np Titanium

hello back again

hye, salam, back again. :)

Tomorrow, I have commed block test. I don't finish studying yet as always, and the same lame reasons: TOO MANY to be read. I started to study today, err, to be exact, tonight actually, because today whole evening I spent to do that commed research thingy, till 545pm in the evening. Then after that, I came back to my room, got ready for sports. Yeah, squash to be exact. During the games, I almost fainted, felt a little bit nauseated and almost about to vomit. And all of these happened because I forgot to have my lunch. =.=. I forgot! :(. For the whole day, I only ate 3 pieces of biscuits. That was all. When I came back to the hostel when Maghrib azaan was heard, then I had my "lun-ner"( lunch added up to dinner, like qasar and jamak kinda thing) . Pelik tapi benar. I just didn't know why I  forgot. My friends kept scolding me, "Fit, hang nak jadi kurus tera mana lagi???" I just nodded, and said yeah yeah ha ha, trying to ignore of what they said. It's not that I purposely didn't want to eat my lunch, it's just I FORGOT. :( I know it sounds a little bit weird, where the hell people forget to have their meals. but that what has happened to me for real. 

Tonight, he slept early. Haihh, told ya. :(. You should have just texted me first, saying that you wanted to sleep early, I just didn't have that eager feeling to listen to your voice tonight to get me boosted up again to study. :( I am a bit disappointed actually, because I have texted you right in the beginning with the thought that you might be sleepy afterwars, why don't we date a little bit earlier? but yeah, you asked me to study first. :( Sedih sedih sedih. Tak semangat dah nak study actually, I am tired. Mentally, and physically, mentally because I can't take this anymore, this here I mean dah tak larat nak sumbat paksa ilmu masuk otak, seriously weyh. 

Yeah, that day I have talked about it's been such a long time I last updated photo in blog right? This is because of the problematic kiddo, Audry who happens to be my Android Samsung Galaxy SL, GT19003. Problem unsolved. Tired of finding new solution. Okay, that's all maybe. Ttyl. :)Salam and good good nite, sleep sleep tight everybody, including the one who have closed his eyes first to sleep, without saying goodnight and sweet dream. :"(

At 1.45 am, I have tiga keping roti pat sagi with nescafe. Long nite maybe. Alone. T_T

I don't know why, but I just love this picture, India,  in the train,  with that book. Kenangan. :) . Snapped by Mun or Redz, couldn't recall. 

...

sungguh, Ya Allah.

Aku kecewa. Kecewa sebab aku tak dapat buat apa-apa.

Kecewa sebab aku tidak punya kuasa untuk berkata.

Andai aku kata, semua sia-sia, tidak diambil pusing, dibiarkan jauh di sudut lain.

Kau tak pernah kisah, tentang aku, tentang insan yang sedarah daging denganmu

Kau asyik dengan cinta, sayang kau pada masa yang tidak tepat,

Kau lupa pada pengorbanan dan perjuangan insan yang bawa kau ke alam ni,

Kau leka, leka dan terus leka, walhal masa terus berputar.

Saat ini, hati aku dah penat untuk terus berkata-kata nasihat,

Aku sudah patah hati sepatahnya,

Buatlah apa yang kau rasa baik, kau rasa elok.

Kau rasa yang boleh menghidupkan kau lagi 50 tahun depan.

Aku akan terus diam, bukan sebab aku benci,

Tapi sebab aku kecewa, dan sudah pasrah.

Maafkan aku, andai aku bukan kakak yang baik untukmu.

Yang ikhlas,

Kakakmu yang terus sayangkan mu. 

restless when I blanked and blurred.

I had a thought block this morning, I didn't know how it happened, it just did. It started when we were trying to do the dispersion exercises given by the lecturer. We had to find the answer for standard deviation, variance, standard error etc. which we have already learned during the school days and also A - level. It was fun, because, it involved so much calculations and I really love it.

Back to the point, about how I got this thought block. It started when Zaty asked me on how to calculate the variance. I explained to her the formula, and I have done it and got the answer. To make things easier, you have to know the mean value and saved it somewhere in the calculator either as A, B, C, etc values, so you didn't have to put the value many times. Then she asked me on how to insert the value either as A, B or C. When I was about to tell her, I suddenly blanked, like REALLY REALLY BLANKED. I felt so idiotic that time because it's not that I didn't know, it just that I forgot to do it during that particular time, even when Zaty asked I've already have the answer in my answer sheet. The way I inserted the value was done and triggered by my subconscious mind, and if I tried to recall one by one on how I did it, I just couldn't do it. I stucked for a while, just watching over the paper.

I am kinda person who will be so unmotivated if something I know it very well just slip from my mind like that, like that that eventhough before that, I am so mastered to do it. To continue the next question, I was so not into it. My mind was really working that time, trying to recall but I couldn't. When I got back to my room, I called my sister, Farina to teach me, yeah she did thought me but it was not the way I usually did to enter the value as it was quite complicated for me. Then I called my other sister, Najwa and Alhamdullilah, she really did it the way I did it. I got back the way! No more thought block! Immediately, I rushed to Zaty's room and told her the correct way about it. You know what, when I have already known the answer to my missing memories, I was so so so relieved and happy. :)

From here, the conclusion I can make is that, yeah I am the one who is so eager to know something that I used to know that I forget it just like that. I don'tknow about others, but that's how I feel. And if I couldn't find the answer, I will be restless and can't do anything else which I suppose to do. Just thinking, whether is a good thing or not? Haishhhh T_T

Don't be sad. Just remember whatever happens, there must be good things lie behind, we never realize it somehow. :")

Untuk kamu kamu yang tengah down dan sedih macam saya:(

Mari kita senyum, Allah dah aturkan semuanya:)

now it is raining heavily outside:)

birthday mak.

Happy Birthday, Mak. I love you so much!!! You are the best mother on Earth. :))). I'm proud to be your daughter. May Allah s.w.t bless u.

MOGA DIBERKATI UMUR DAN DIMURAHKAN REZEKI.

Mak dan abah:)

Second of all, I finally finished my 3 hours of practical. At last, the car is moving. :P

Third of all,  I just found this video. Interesting. Paris, Je T'aime.:) 
 

That's all. 

Notes:

"I didn't mean to make you annoyed with me,

I didn't mean to prevent you from doing what you like

I am not mean like that:(

I didn't mean to force you

But, I just wanna let you know that I care for you way too much

I just can't see if you are hurting

I can't resist seeing the pain in your eyes

Please understand that, love

But, whatever it is, I know I am nobody yet to you

I can't ask you to follow my wish

I can't I really can't

Your decision is yours truly not me

One last sentence, please take care of yourself if you don't want to see my eyes leak again like 

now.

Ya Allah, Engkau Yang Maha Mengetahui dan Maha Penyayang.

Tabahkan hati kami, kuatkan semangat kami, redha lah jiwa ini untuk menerima apa jua dugaan buat kami

Supaya kami sentiasa bersyukur dan masih yakin apa pun yang terjadi ada hikmahnya. 

Amin.

A hard day.

I just finished my medicine clinical end posting exam, not the MCQs and MEQs part yet, with Dr. Lakshmi. She's cool, pretty great and one of the best doctors. But, I screwed up the exams this morning. ::(. I've never 'about to burst' but this time around, it happened. It wasn't a hard case, just a patient came with breathlessness which I correctly pointed out the diagnosis as acute exacerbation of bronchial asthma. But then, still, there were many things that she didn't satisfy. I didn't know why. Maybe I left some findings that I supposed to know. Luckily the patient was cooperative, and answered all my questions very well. Because I kept everything in my heart, just listened to her rising her voice, at the end of the examination, my voice started to slow down and change a bit when I answered her question about investigations. I could answer but because of the voice, it looked all unclear. Then, I tried to convince myself just to hold on and be strong because the exam was about to end already. Be grateful that the patient was cooperative enough, compared to other patients who were usually looked down to medical students. That is it. That's my day today. I wanted to share it with my parents to but I couldn't tell them since I didn't want them to feel pity for me. Maybe I shouldn't blame Dr. Lakshmi for that. Maybe it was my fault too. Be strong fit, be strong. :")

someone like you~ *unrelated*

It hurts when you wish you can play at least for 5 minutes in the court but it ended up that you didn't get even a chance to do that. :(. I know I am not good enough to play well, but at least, I tried. When this kinda thing happened, seriously, I don't feel like playing for more. Yeah, I am serious. Main suka-suka dalam kolej lagi best. :").. YKWYA told me something which undeniably true.

"experience doesn't always come when u are in the court, even if u only sit on the bench watching the game being played,u r good enuf."

But, I can't continue it anymore. I am sorry my dear.:"(

But, alhamdullilah, after all the things that happened yesterday, I managed to meet my lovely sista, Nurul Najwa Mustapa who came by to Kompleks Sukan, UITM just to see me. Aww.. She's so cute. She came together with her two friends, bringing some spaghetti that she cooked by herself. *rasa macam nak nangis je taw*.. Thanks wawa.. Love u so much!!! =)))).

sayang kamu adik~ :)

Okay, gotta leave now. tonnes of pages are waiting for me to be read. Salam peeps.:)

Simple.

Maybe at this moment,

we have to pretend that we don't know each other.

It surely will hurt, but that's how things go.

Hopefully we are strong enough to face this.

BERSEMANGAT! (^__^)

Happy Birthday, Nira.

Salam.. I'm here, maybe will be the last time I blog here in Manipal as such.. :(.. 5 days left, to be exact. I wish I have some extra days to feel and to appreciate Manipal as maximum as I can.. Yeah. Time is flying and we can't deny it for more. Either you wish the time to stop or to pause, it will however continue ticking leaving the rests of remaining seconds behind.

I just came back from celebrating my twin's birthday, MUNIRA MASRI. She is 22 years old on the dot. :P.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAYANG... So happy for her. Have a blast, my dear. :)

Gambar suatu masa dulu di Malpe.:)

Second of all, tonight wasn't a good night for me. I didn't know what happened and why, but I felt so much gloomy and sad. Maybe people will see me as 'just fine' but I am so not okay. :'(.. Sometimes, I wish for something to happen but, at the end of the day it turned out to be some other ways that happened.:( Yeah I know I have to accept the fact that others may not fulfill what you want, because not all agree and have time to follow what you want. :(. Enough speaking about that. T_T.

Anyway, I suppose to call Mak today but since I didn't have time to recharge I have to postpone my wish.. I really want to know what happened to her thigh,  was it getting better or get worsen? Mak, get well soon. Sayang n rindu mak. ;(

And last but not least, just want to tell you guys. I'm gonna sit for comprehensive exams on 17 and 18th August. The subjects are as follows:

• MEDICINE
• SURGERY
• OBG
• PALLIATIVE MEDICINE
• MEDICAL ETHICS 
• PAEDIATRICS.

I didn't even started yet. Maybe tonight and maybe I postpone it till tomorrow. Depend on the mood.  Good- nite peeps. Sleep tight.

Drama manusia

Salam. One topic, about the matters of fact, why people love to stalk your life, judge you and tell others about the story of
yours which is NOT TRUE at all? I don't know what's on these people's mind. Talking behind someone's back is actually
what we love to do. I said WE cause sometimes I do the same. But, one thing I am so not okay is, when you talk about
someone's behind his/her back but after that you tend to tell others about that particular someone which is CLEARLY not
true whom you know that these 'others' may reveal the story to the subject back..  Can you imagine how this subject's
feeling would be when others talk about him/her about something that is not true at all. Yeah, maybe it sounds a little
complicated, but this is what I really mean. If I was the subject, I may feel sad either. :'(. Tak nak cakap banyak. People and their dramas. They may look innocent by their innocent looks, but don't be too comfort for that. :)


p/s: New name for my baby. Audry. Welcome to the world, Audry! <3<3<3

Minah di sebelah kiri suka berdrama gak. Tapi bdrama comel. :) Rindu wawa. :( She will be registering to new school, INTEC next week. Good luck dear sis! (^_^)

Drop the subject.

Salaam I bid to you all. Here I am. Today was a terrible, bad day. Not actually too bad literally, but yeah still, it was considered as bad. Starting from early in the morning till the end of the day. What could I say more, I didn't expect things to happen sometimes, but truth is, they just happened. Well, first and foremost, exam is postponed to SATURDAY in which we suppose to free ourselves that day. Saturday from morning to evening. Can you I imagine it? Hmm. Majority wins as always. We, who are the minority side loses. Hmm again. Next, during my journey back to Manipal from TMAPAI hospital, I took a bus and the bus driver seemed to horn here and there NON-STOP. Urgh. It irritated me so much. I felt so  nauseated but, thank God the journey to reach Manipal didn't take too much time. I am officially HATE tempe. Next at the evening, we went to the psychiatry ward early than usual because of one reason in which I can't tell it here. So pissed off. But, unfortunately, not even a single lecturer came when time showed 3 p. m. Okayyy I hate waiting for people. I could considerate if it was only half an hour but if it exceeded more than that, I think the most tolerable person also couldn't stand I guess. And here he came. The lecturer, talking and kept talking till 4.00p.m.:( After that, I made our way to the hospital to see my friends involved in an accident. Poor them. Rohil and Mantap. Nothing bad happened, just after this, scars would be here and there over their faces. Plastic surgery helped a lot. :) And last but not least, it is about friendship. I am sick talking about this. So sick like what Ne- Yo said. Basically, what can I say, I am still holding on to this. Just hope and pray for this to end  very soon. Very soon. I just have to have to faith in Him. HE knows best. And to make me smile at the very end of the day, I've got something that I love the most. Thanks. You know me and you know who you are, too.:)

@_#

If you ask what is my mood now, I will say,

I AM NOT OKAY.

SOMETHING IS BUGGING MY DAY RECENTLY. :(

fly me.

Why they don't treat me well?
Once, they said, " You are sweet, beautiful, special," but at the end of the day, they said something totally opposite.
I miss mama, abah, n my sistas brothas. I miss them.
Fly me to them.
Pretty please..... :'(

down with the exam, down with the cycle of life

I don't know why the questions were too tough?
I am not sure what others thought, but for me, it's freaking hard and killing.
Okay, fine, it's only the block test, don't down too much, but I don't know why it really disappoint me. :'(..Can't wait for the block examss to end. I want to end this fast. =( "btw, just so you know, the half of the heart is you. "

....

Oh Ya Allah.

It hurts me so much.

I can't stand it anymore.

I try to think positive but I can't.

I really can't.

blurr thingy

Have you ever thought, being neglected from something at one point.
Haihhh, duh. IDK. Sometimes, there are little things that shouldn't be a big matter, or shouldn't be a strong point to get too sensitive. Okay. Don't misunderstand. I said this to myself, truly to myself. When sometimes I am not included in their conversations, I don't really care and matter much because people used to label me as 'blurrrr' little girl who knows nothing. yeahhh I pretty agree of what they said, but somehow, and in some situations I'm not blurr anymore. I'm not a seven-year-old-girl who just live happily with the chocolate and lollipop each and every day without having a care to the world, I'm NOT that girl. I'm grown up. I'm 21. Officially, 21. Please. at least treat me like an older person who can think well and without having thought in mind that I'm a blurrrrrr gal AGAIN.
oK, ENOUGH. Penat dahhh. :( Btw, I miss 'maya' my scooter so much. I really need her, to go somewhere with her. ALONE. :( Maya come back home please and get well very soon. IMY. =((((

Jom membebel.

Nak membebel, tak nak cakap dalam bahasa Inggeris. membebel cakap dalam BM baru best kan, kan? Entahlah, tadi dah habis kertas PATHOLOGY. susahnye mak aihhh Tuhan je yang tawu. I don't know what others felt, and I don't even care, but the main thing is that, I'm damn URGH. Serious, I tak main-main. Geram betul, Da study tapi tak dapat buat betul-betul. Mungkin ni dugaan 1 ramadhan kot. Next paper adalah PHARMACOLOGY. Ni satu hal jugak makhluk ni. Banyak giler kot nak menghapal. Baik hapal mantera nak chantek. grrrr. tapi jangan merungut fitrilina. Awak yang pilih jalan ni sebab awak yakin awak boleh buat. :) just doa yang terbaik. Okay-lah, nak cuba berusaha lagi selagi aku termampu. Batuk masih tak sembuh, tak taw lah kenapa. Memang persistent cough betul.

I rasa sekarang ni I nak jerit sekuat hati.

Penat sangat nak study.

Dah feel homey giler dah taw arkkkk. hohoh.

Mak, rindu mak. Abah pun own rindu.Adik-adik pn own rindu bangat!

*sigggghhhh*

Cepat abehh exammmmmmmm.

Nak jumpa family terchenta selepas setahun sebulan tak jumpa.

To Adik Na,

Ang jangan risau.

Berat aku sama dengan ang.

Sedangkan aku lagi rendah dari ang.

Ok. Aku GEMUK.

Ni India punya pasal, salahkan makanan dia! Jom boikot makanan India, makanan Malaysia gak terbaikkkkK! Yeay! heeee..

P/S: Selamat menyambut bulan RAMADHAN yang mulia. India baru start puasa esok. ngeeeee. ;)