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Kini, hampir setiap malam, penghujung hari aku ditemani dengan air mata yang laju mencurah membasahi pipi. Sungguh aku cuba menahan tapi aku tidak mampu lagi, kekuatan aku sudah patah, kerana aku tahu kemampuan dan kebolehan aku, aku ini insan yang terlalu amat sensitif dan emosional. Saat dan ketika ini, air mata masih laju meluncur. Hati aku hiba, jiwa aku sayu, namun bicara aku kaku. Mengapa terlalu besar dugaan buat kami? Ya, mungkin terlalu paradoks, tidaklah sebesar mana namun untuk hati perempuan seperti aku, sebuah perubahan drastik seperti itu amat memilukan hati ini sejujurnya. Makin terasa sakit bilamana, semuanya terpaksa aku simpan sendiri, aku telan sendiri kepiluan itu. Tidak punya kekuatan untuk berkongsi dengan orang lain kerana bukan semua orang faham akan perkara yang terjadi.

Ya Allah, andai ini yang terbaik, maka Engkau tabahkanlah hati ini, dan redhakanlah jiwa ini untuk apa yang bakal terjadi. Aku bukan insan yang kuat yang mudah tenang pada kesendirian malam yang sendiri, aku bukan wanita cekal yang sudah resistance pada air mata, aku wanita biasa, yang nangis bila sedih, yang diam kelu bila aku terlalu rindu.

Aku doa kepadaMu Ya Allah, untuk malam malam seterusnya, berilah aku sedikit secebis kekuatan yang berbaki untuk aku bertahan lagi. Masih lama perjalanan itu, sungguh masih lama. Masih lama untuk tiba di masa yang sebetulnya milik aku dan dia. Kau keringkan lah air mata ini, supaya jangan lagi malam seterusnya, deretan air mata laju lagi mencurah di pipi. Aku berdoa dan aku bersujud hanya kepadaMu. 

Salam Aidilfitri, Eid Mubarak.

Salam. I guess it's not too late to wish all of you Salam Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir dan Batin even it is already many many days of Syawal.:). I'm back in Malacca after long holiday, err I know it's only two weeks, but it is considered long enough for MMMC student, since the longest holiday we had before was only a week in Malacca.

Being back to Malacca means a lot of things like:

• Have to work real hard for P2S1 examination which is around the corner, in 6 months time. 
• Have to put aside several things that I used to do, like over-shopping ( want to save money for something;p), wasting time, series, excessive sleep.
• Have to be patient, stop crying over little things, be strong as there should be reduction or NO in night lovely call everyday before I go to sleep before this. :(. No more sweet dream, sleep tight, or mimpi gula. Restriction of few things, hopefully I can manage well of this. Because everytime i think about it, I teared a bit. Even, when I was in the bus this afternoon from Muar back to Malacca, I almost wet my cheeks. :"( Bersabarlah. Good things may wait in front insyaAllah :)
• Ready to be a Medicine leader in one week time, it's quite tough I guess since Medicine is not a short postings, it accounts for 8 weeks in total. I hope I can manage this well, be a good and trusted leader. :)
• Instill good qualities in life, because as time passes, it is getting nearer to nearer to the real life of adults, as a good daughter, as a wife, as a doctor helping the society, and if Allah's will, as a mother one fine day. I know some of the qualities I have now, should be cut off, ain't appropriate to be an adult. I will try my best regarding this. ;)

That's all for now,will write back later. Check me out on Tumblr . ;)

Salam Ramdhan

Sekejap je masa berlalu pergi. Pejam celik pejam celik. Dah nak masuk separuh Ramadhan. ;) (Hari ini entri blog dalam bahasa ibunda okay. ;p). Aku rasa satu kelainan untuk Ramadhan kali ini kalau nak dibandingkan dengan Ramadhan sebelum sebelum ni. Seikhlasnya, aku rasa, banyak benda yang aku pelajari, dan banyak benda yang aku sudah boleh dikatakan 'improve' terutama sekali bila berbicara tentang ibadah pada bulan mulia ini. Aku tahu kalau sebelum ini, walaupun nama  sahaja Ramadhan, aku masih lagi bermain- main, tidak menggunakan peluang yang ada untuk semakin dekat kepadaNya. Aku lalai, leka dan alpa sedangkan aku sudah tentu tahu pada bulan ini, Allah s.w.t telah memberkas yang namanya Iblis, yang terus sahaja menghasut kita untuk benda benda yang tak elok. Tapi untuk sebelum sebelum ini, aku rasa sama sahaja kalau bulan Ramadhan ataupun bulan bulan biasa. Maknanya di situ, ada ke tak ada sang iblis, aku masih lagi lalai. Haihhhh, sedih pulak rasa. :(Tetapi kali ini, aku rasa nikmat Ramadhan. Rasa tenang dan best sangat. ;') Terima kasih, Ya Allah.

Seminggu lagi , insyaAllah, aku bakal pulang ke kampung halaman, menandakan cuti semester aku bermula, selama dua minggu lamanya. Dua minggu, sepertinya macam lama la sangat, tapi kalau sudah sampai saat itu, setiap hari pun rasa cepat sahaja berlalu. Tetapi, berakhirnya cuti semester kali ini menandakan bahawa, perjuangan aku akan bermula, bukan bermaksud belum bermula sebelum ini, cumanya, selepas cuti nanti, aku harus berusaha kuat, berjuang habis habisan untuk peperiksaan P2S1, salah satu peperiksaan yang penting sepanjang aku menjadi pelajar perubatan supaya kami dapat memasuki tahun ke lima yang bermaksud tahun terakhir, insyaAllah. Selain usaha yang berterusan, doa dan tawakal jangan dilupa, apa pun tanpa izinNya, semuanya tak akan tercapai. Jadi,

Ya Allah, Engkau yang Maha Mendengar dan Maha Memakbulkan doa hamba hamba- Mu, Kau permudahkanlah urusan kami, tenangkanlah hati kami supaya kami dapat berusaha dengan bersungguh sungguh dan berikanlah kami kejayaan dalam peperiksaan supaya kami dapat menjadi doktor yang berjaya, berbakti kepada agama, bangsa dan negara. Amin. :)

Selepas cuti juga, aku akan ditabalkan sebagai Ketua untuk Medicine Posting. Agak berat tugasnya aku kira, kerana posting selama 8 minggu bukanlah suatu yang mudah.

Bantulah aku Ya Allah, semoga aku dapat menjalankan amanah dengan jayanya dan masih lagi di atas jalanMu. 

Amin. Amin. Amin.

Bukan itu sahaja, selepas cuti juga, aku harus kuatkan hati, tabahkan jiwa dan sentiasa tenang. Semester 8 bermaksud, aku perlu me'restrict'kan certain things, bukan aku sahaja yang harus 'restrict', dia juga. Kerana keadaan tak mengizinkan, betul betul tak mengizinkan. :(. Aku tahu, untuk adaptasi pada perubahan itu, agak sukar untuk aku, dan aku yakin sukar juga bagi dia, tetapi semuanya kerana keadaan, tidak boleh nak ubah. Moga kami akan terus kuat. Moga ini yang terbaik buat kami, Ya Allah. Seperti selalunya yang dikatakan padaku, semangat semangat semangat!! Ambil itu sebagai cabaran, aja aja fighting! (^_^)

Mungkin itu sahaja untuk entri hari ini, sudah penat aku tidur, dan sudah penat aku melayan perasaan berseorangan.

Salam Ramadhan! 

Nothing

Sabar fit! :")

Mak Abah.:(

Maafkan, Nurul Mak Abah. :( I love u guys so much. Kadang- kadang Nurul terlalu mementingkan diri sendiri, Nurul terlupa yang betapa tinggi harapan kalian pada Nurul. I'm sorry for everything. :")

Mungkin selalu sahaja kau aku susahkan...
Terlalu selalu, hingga aku rasa bersalah mencengkam hati..
Aku pernah terfikir, mahu lari jauh- jauh, terbang jauh- jauh dari kamu,
Kerana aku tak perlu menjadi sebab kepala kamu pusing,
Supaya kamu bisa tenang dan tenang tanpa ada gangguan seperti aku,
Pernah juga aku mahu lari, biar sampai ke hujung dunia,
Agar kamu bahagia,
tidak perlu runsing melayan kerenah keanak- anakan ku,
Kamu tahu apa yang buat aku bahagia?
Aku bahagia bila kamu bahagia.
Jadi, untuk itu, biar aku menjauh.
Mungkin, kepala kamu bisa jadi ringan,
Hati kamu bisa tenang..
Jiwa kamu bisa tenteram..




*Menjaga Hati - Yovie and Nuno.

:)

Bismillahirahmanirrahim. :)

ENT!

ENT is so relaxed! Yes, ENT stands for Ear, Nose and Throat. Relax until I don't know what should I do, even I haven't even started studying for the community medicine yet. Haizzz.. Fitri, please don't waste so much time. Next semester is going to come anytime soon, which means that you are really very close to the P2S1 examination. Harus berusaha mulai sekarang. Please! (T__T)

*disappointed with my ownself yang sangat pemalas recently*

Please be istiqamah. Allah s.w.t really likes those who work hard, study hard and pray hard. Remember that please. 

Gather the pieces.

And with this weather, my feeling follows it, as always. True to them who say that weather affects your mood. To be precise, the current weather is a bit gloomy, cold, ready to pour the rain onto the lovely land. I close my eyes for a while, trying to focus with the sounds of the birds chirping, and trying to feel the breezes and the wind dancing, it is so calm I can assure you. Then, my thought focus on one thing, about the choices of life. To be specific even more, about choosing medicine as my future career. I am halfway the journey, actually about three quarter to reach the final end, Alhamdulillah I have made this far, and thanks to Allah for easing my ways and my friends. However, not all the good things remain. Throughout this journey, a lot of obstacles I have to face, I previously had to gather back the strength to continue after so many things happened, break the pieces of the dreams I have made, I bent a bit, taking each and every pieces, trying to resolve the broken dreams, and make sure it is still there, till the end. I knew, I have wasted a lot of tears, a lot of times, with a lot of small matters, but if it weren't because of all that 'small' matters, I don't think I can make it this far.

And since I have at this very end to the journey, a sigh or regret-fullness of what I chose shouldn't be there. I should be strong, stay calm and add up with the hardwork efforts to make sure that I manage to reach the end with a good trace and effect. To You , I pray Ya Allah, please help me in achieving my aims and goals, not only me, but to my friends out there, please ease our way. We really need YOU for this battle and battle afterwards.

About the other one matter, I would be lying if I didn't think about it everyday, yes, I admit I think about it almost every day and night, I keep thinking about what will happen to us, will we be strong as we are previously when we were tested with so many things? Will we be brave enough to cross the hurdles in front of us later, when we share our life together? Yes, true that, a lot more to come, what I can do now is PRAY days and nights wishing that we really are for each other till Jannah. Amin. And I pray that, for whatever happens, we have to be a matured fellow, resolving things in a matured way.

And thanks to this gloomy day, it glooms my mood so that I can think in an adult way at least la kan, not a childish post babbling about things happened in school. Hehehe. :)

As- salam .:)

Syukur

Syukur. Just a simple word but, we tend to ignore it, we tend to avoid it and just take it for granted. Have we ever thought that each day that passes, we live in this world if His with all those gifts and blessings from The Almighty? Have we ever thanked HIM for this? For giving us the chance to breath every second? Honestly, no. Yes, I am sorry if I kinda being so opened and rude, but it is true. Maybe when we wake up from the sleep early morning we will remember and thank Allah for His kindness. We say syukur and syukur,  the word keep dancing on our lips, but as the day passes, when we reach the night, all of these have gone, far away, far far away. We forget, and yes, the cycle begins.

Syukur. Reflected to my life, I experienced a lot of things lately. So that, I keep reminded that Allah s.w.t plans everything and what I can do is just tawakal for what I have done. Last Thursday, I had this end of posting examination which was ophthalmology and when I came to the OPD, I was told that Hospital Consultant, Dr. Choo will take my end posting. My heart pumped so fast, I was just so nervous, yeah because I never met this doctor. At all. I didn't what was his style and how I could tackle the questions being asked. What I did was just leave everything to Him. While entering to the examination room, I was asked to examined posterior segment of the eye of a Chinese man., late 50. I picked my ophthalmoscope from my labcoat pocket, starting with the distant direct ophthalmoscopy technique. Red reflex was seen both sides, but I mentioned to him I saw opacities on the right eye, and when I asked the patient to move his eyes, it seemed that the opacities moved opposite to the eye movement suggestive of lenticular opacity. He made one kind of facial expression that I couldn't understand.

Then I continued with the visualization of the retina. First thing I saw was the optic disc, then I looked at the blood vessels but they all seemed normal to me. But when it came to the inferior part of the retina, I could some kind of pigmentation, first I thought it was the PRP (pan retinal photocoagulation) scar but since the shapes were weird, I just simply said it was the macular photocoagulation. Again, that facial expression was made and it was very clear this time. I stumbled. Then I was asked to examine other patients' anterior segment, and I messed all of that, since I missed the ACIOL (anterior chamber intraocular lens), but luckily I managed to see the bleb and peripheral iridectomy. O Allah. Only He knew my feelings that time, one thing that came across my mind was that: SURELY I WILL FAIL. I was not confident at all giving my answers, I just stunted, I didn't know why. But Allah s.w.t sent this somebody to remind me to read Quran more, find the meanings, maybe I could be calm after that. He was right, yes, I was calm, felt relieved and tawakal. The feeling was so pure.

All night long I was accompanied with the tears and regret-fullness of what I have done. Why I didn't well? Why I couldn't see it? Why? I forgot about tawakal. Why I questioned all of that, since all have happened? I should have just prayed hoping that Allah will grant good good things? Instead, I cried and regretted of things that happened. :(

The next day in the afternoon, my groupmate texted me saying that all of us have passed the ophthalmology examination. Alhamdulillah. I smiled and thanked Allah s.w.t for granting my prayers. But, I was so eager to see the exact short cases mark minus the other assessment. I made my way to the admin building, went to the pasted notice board. There it was. The result. And as I expected, I obtained the least mark for short case, 25/50. Ya Allah, what kind of test you wanted to test me? Because throughout the postings I didn't have any problem visualizing the findings but on that particular day, I became lost and blanked, forgot everything I learnt. Why all my friends didn't have the problems I did? Why? Again those questions popped up into my tiny mind. I forgot that I should say 'SYUKUR' since at least I have passed, that is what that matters the most, the marks weren't that important. But, that was me, a person who really need constant reminder about 'SYUKUR'. I cried again and again, and HE sent me this somebody to remind me that I should be 'SYUKUR'. Everything has been planned by HIM. Maybe during the examination, the best student before get the most difficult case then he/ she fails, but the average student gets the easy cases and because of that he/she passes. We never know. What we have to do is doa, tawakal and syukur.  

Hold it for a little while.

From one corner of the phone line, she tried to hold her tears, trying so hard, till she somewhat couldn't catch a breath since an unnoticed sigh might sent a signal to him telling that she was not okay. She, wouldn't want the pumpkin to feel sad or guilty or wouldn't want to worsen the situation, let what she felt stayed deep down the heart, not even a single one mankind got to know about that. Yes, the pumpkin, the name given to him, as he was similar to the pumpkin in some ways. ( Sorry. ;) . But however, that couldn't hold for so long, the tears. It ran down the cheek like so fast, warm and accompanied by the melancholic mood. A brisk sigh, shrugging her shoulder, trying to maintain cool but she couldn't.

Why she always has to be reminded about the truth? Why she can't set in her mind that, those things are just in a fantasy for now? Why can't she agree to that, be patient for a little while longer, and just sit back and accept how the things have been arranged? And there she is. A little girl who always forget about those things, still dreaming in a day dream, wishing for something nice and happy, but instead those dreams are for the future, not for the time being, why can't she accept that I wonder?

Listening to the explaination given by the dear pumpkin, she froze, stupor like state, if and only if he could notice it. She frowned, and tears has stopped but still there was leftovers which kept flowing down. She felt so much guilty, feeling like a hard rock then hit her head, then only she came to know about the reality in front of the hazy fantasy. Then, she could think like a mature one, and yes, that hazy fantasy has made her a forgetful one, keeping those reality on one corner, leaving them just like that.

Now the reality has cleared the way, the hazy fantasy has slowly faded, yeah for a quite a time, that shouldn't be raised again, the fantasy. Let it bury deep down her heart, really deep down, if possible at the crux of it.

Don't put so much worry, as she is now has realised the reality. Sorry for the burden and demands that previously she keep on asking without trying to understand his feeling. That demands, I will remember, when one day, the time has come. I will try to get them back. From her heart, a thousands of sorry note paste now on each corner of his life. Yes, let's hide, hide from those people who never understand, let's disappear a little while longer, let's deny and keep denying.

The most important thing, sabaar. Assalamualaikum.