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Monday, October 1, 2012

Empty little box

Salam. It's been a while since I blogged last time. Sorry, I am a bit busy with the new posting, Medicine and plus, I am the group leader. So many things to deal with, so many people to be tolerated to, and so many stuffs left unsettled.

Sometimes, at the end of the day, I feel like running away.. Running away from all the hectic medical student life, tired of all the people who keep look down on me, tired of all the things I learn but I keep forgetting, tired of all the feelings I buried deep down my heart, but nobody really cares or if they do, they can't do anything at last. Being a doctor, is what I wish once upon a time when I was a child. When my parents asked what would I be when I grew up, or when my teacher asked, I immediately said that I want to be a doctor without a pause between the question. Even when I read my profile in my friends' book, my ambition was a doctor. I don't know why I prefer that career those time, although I didn't have any of my family who was a doctor, or soon to be a doctor. Maybe mass media played an important roles to all of these.

Now, when it is so near to the exam, I keep thinking that, can I pursue to the next level, can I? I'm not a distinction, great great student, I study but I sometimes, forget what I already learnt, and I'm not a good student, bright one. I become restless in the wards, still learning on how to take good history, being condemned by the lecturers for the simple mistakes is a routine. What I can do now, pray hard and work hard. :(.

Still, I feel like I want to run away, away from here, away from everyone else, where nobody can find me. I know I burden people so much, especially my parents, and you. I know. I'm of no good, I demand a lot, really a lot. I know, they always get annoyed to me, I know. They never miss me, do they? :(. Demanding things for a birthday isn't a good thing, Nurul Fitrilina. Who do you think you are? A princess? Or a celebrity whom being love by everyone? I am like an empty little box who is ready to be thrown out from any place. I am like that, true story. To vomit out what I say, I never do that. Because if I do, I just add up the burden to them. Don't dream of a good treat, good gift, from them, because you know you are nothing to them, really. You are nothing. You are meaningless to them.

Hello there, wind, or the rain,
Bring me away from here,
Let me disappeared, with no trace,
Let me fly and gone and never come back,
The existence of me  isn't a dream for others,
They never care, never even look up for me,
Yes, I am, an empty little box,
Ready to be kicked out.


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