"Real me"

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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Gather the pieces.

And with this weather, my feeling follows it, as always. True to them who say that weather affects your mood. To be precise, the current weather is a bit gloomy, cold, ready to pour the rain onto the lovely land. I close my eyes for a while, trying to focus with the sounds of the birds chirping, and trying to feel the breezes and the wind dancing, it is so calm I can assure you. Then, my thought focus on one thing, about the choices of life. To be specific even more, about choosing medicine as my future career. I am halfway the journey, actually about three quarter to reach the final end, Alhamdulillah I have made this far, and thanks to Allah for easing my ways and my friends. However, not all the good things remain. Throughout this journey, a lot of obstacles I have to face, I previously had to gather back the strength to continue after so many things happened, break the pieces of the dreams I have made, I bent a bit, taking each and every pieces, trying to resolve the broken dreams, and make sure it is still there, till the end. I knew, I have wasted a lot of tears, a lot of times, with a lot of small matters, but if it weren't because of all that 'small' matters, I don't think I can make it this far.

And since I have at this very end to the journey, a sigh or regret-fullness of what I chose shouldn't be there. I should be strong, stay calm and add up with the hardwork efforts to make sure that I manage to reach the end with a good trace and effect. To You , I pray Ya Allah, please help me in achieving my aims and goals, not only me, but to my friends out there, please ease our way. We really need YOU for this battle and battle afterwards.

About the other one matter, I would be lying if I didn't think about it everyday, yes, I admit I think about it almost every day and night, I keep thinking about what will happen to us, will we be strong as we are previously when we were tested with so many things? Will we be brave enough to cross the hurdles in front of us later, when we share our life together? Yes, true that, a lot more to come, what I can do now is PRAY days and nights wishing that we really are for each other till Jannah. Amin. And I pray that, for whatever happens, we have to be a matured fellow, resolving things in a matured way.

And thanks to this gloomy day, it glooms my mood so that I can think in an adult way at least la kan, not a childish post babbling about things happened in school. Hehehe. :)

As- salam .:)

Friday, July 27, 2012


Syukur. Just a simple word but, we tend to ignore it, we tend to avoid it and just take it for granted. Have we ever thought that each day that passes, we live in this world if His with all those gifts and blessings from The Almighty? Have we ever thanked HIM for this? For giving us the chance to breath every second? Honestly, no. Yes, I am sorry if I kinda being so opened and rude, but it is true. Maybe when we wake up from the sleep early morning we will remember and thank Allah for His kindness. We say syukur and syukur,  the word keep dancing on our lips, but as the day passes, when we reach the night, all of these have gone, far away, far far away. We forget, and yes, the cycle begins.

Syukur. Reflected to my life, I experienced a lot of things lately. So that, I keep reminded that Allah s.w.t plans everything and what I can do is just tawakal for what I have done. Last Thursday, I had this end of posting examination which was ophthalmology and when I came to the OPD, I was told that Hospital Consultant, Dr. Choo will take my end posting. My heart pumped so fast, I was just so nervous, yeah because I never met this doctor. At all. I didn't what was his style and how I could tackle the questions being asked. What I did was just leave everything to Him. While entering to the examination room, I was asked to examined posterior segment of the eye of a Chinese man., late 50. I picked my ophthalmoscope from my labcoat pocket, starting with the distant direct ophthalmoscopy technique. Red reflex was seen both sides, but I mentioned to him I saw opacities on the right eye, and when I asked the patient to move his eyes, it seemed that the opacities moved opposite to the eye movement suggestive of lenticular opacity. He made one kind of facial expression that I couldn't understand.

Then I continued with the visualization of the retina. First thing I saw was the optic disc, then I looked at the blood vessels but they all seemed normal to me. But when it came to the inferior part of the retina, I could some kind of pigmentation, first I thought it was the PRP (pan retinal photocoagulation) scar but since the shapes were weird, I just simply said it was the macular photocoagulation. Again, that facial expression was made and it was very clear this time. I stumbled. Then I was asked to examine other patients' anterior segment, and I messed all of that, since I missed the ACIOL (anterior chamber intraocular lens), but luckily I managed to see the bleb and peripheral iridectomy. O Allah. Only He knew my feelings that time, one thing that came across my mind was that: SURELY I WILL FAIL. I was not confident at all giving my answers, I just stunted, I didn't know why. But Allah s.w.t sent this somebody to remind me to read Quran more, find the meanings, maybe I could be calm after that. He was right, yes, I was calm, felt relieved and tawakal. The feeling was so pure.

All night long I was accompanied with the tears and regret-fullness of what I have done. Why I didn't well? Why I couldn't see it? Why? I forgot about tawakal. Why I questioned all of that, since all have happened? I should have just prayed hoping that Allah will grant good good things? Instead, I cried and regretted of things that happened. :(

The next day in the afternoon, my groupmate texted me saying that all of us have passed the ophthalmology examination. Alhamdulillah. I smiled and thanked Allah s.w.t for granting my prayers. But, I was so eager to see the exact short cases mark minus the other assessment. I made my way to the admin building, went to the pasted notice board. There it was. The result. And as I expected, I obtained the least mark for short case, 25/50. Ya Allah, what kind of test you wanted to test me? Because throughout the postings I didn't have any problem visualizing the findings but on that particular day, I became lost and blanked, forgot everything I learnt. Why all my friends didn't have the problems I did? Why? Again those questions popped up into my tiny mind. I forgot that I should say 'SYUKUR' since at least I have passed, that is what that matters the most, the marks weren't that important. But, that was me, a person who really need constant reminder about 'SYUKUR'. I cried again and again, and HE sent me this somebody to remind me that I should be 'SYUKUR'. Everything has been planned by HIM. Maybe during the examination, the best student before get the most difficult case then he/ she fails, but the average student gets the easy cases and because of that he/she passes. We never know. What we have to do is doa, tawakal and syukur.  

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Hold it for a little while.

From one corner of the phone line, she tried to hold her tears, trying so hard, till she somewhat couldn't catch a breath since an unnoticed sigh might sent a signal to him telling that she was not okay. She, wouldn't want the pumpkin to feel sad or guilty or wouldn't want to worsen the situation, let what she felt stayed deep down the heart, not even a single one mankind got to know about that. Yes, the pumpkin, the name given to him, as he was similar to the pumpkin in some ways. ( Sorry. ;) . But however, that couldn't hold for so long, the tears. It ran down the cheek like so fast, warm and accompanied by the melancholic mood. A brisk sigh, shrugging her shoulder, trying to maintain cool but she couldn't.

Why she always has to be reminded about the truth? Why she can't set in her mind that, those things are just in a fantasy for now? Why can't she agree to that, be patient for a little while longer, and just sit back and accept how the things have been arranged? And there she is. A little girl who always forget about those things, still dreaming in a day dream, wishing for something nice and happy, but instead those dreams are for the future, not for the time being, why can't she accept that I wonder?

Listening to the explaination given by the dear pumpkin, she froze, stupor like state, if and only if he could notice it. She frowned, and tears has stopped but still there was leftovers which kept flowing down. She felt so much guilty, feeling like a hard rock then hit her head, then only she came to know about the reality in front of the hazy fantasy. Then, she could think like a mature one, and yes, that hazy fantasy has made her a forgetful one, keeping those reality on one corner, leaving them just like that.

Now the reality has cleared the way, the hazy fantasy has slowly faded, yeah for a quite a time, that shouldn't be raised again, the fantasy. Let it bury deep down her heart, really deep down, if possible at the crux of it.

Don't put so much worry, as she is now has realised the reality. Sorry for the burden and demands that previously she keep on asking without trying to understand his feeling. That demands, I will remember, when one day, the time has come. I will try to get them back. From her heart, a thousands of sorry note paste now on each corner of his life. Yes, let's hide, hide from those people who never understand, let's disappear a little while longer, let's deny and keep denying.

The most important thing, sabaar. Assalamualaikum. 

Friday, July 13, 2012


I know, drastically, things happened on me, for no reasons, change a bit physically. I didn't ask for it nor wish for it. I knew, what happened to me, just happened. Not like before. I know. But, please, stop judging me because of that, don't judge me for what happened. Those who keep saying I become like this because of my wish, you guys are totally wrong. But, special thank you for accepting for who I am, thank you to you. I am sorry for what happened to me. I'm sorry.

#np: the climb, miley cyrus

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Allah is the best planner after all.

Yes, I do have my own plans, in sequences and prioritize what's important first, followed with the 'can wait' plans. We may have planned in such a way that A must happen, then B, then we want C to take place, whatsoever. But, the truth is, we can never so sure that all the dreams and long listed plans may come true as what we wish, isn't it? Because, of this reason. ;)

And this. :)

And so, make plans well, but just don't lose hope. Doa is the best thing. Try and do what you can do, but apart from that, please have faith that He is the best planner after all. ;)

So, what I need to do now? Or what you should do now with the plans?

These: (^_^)

Yes. This is what I will try to do, what I can do :)

Good night, and Assalamualaikum. :)

*listening to: Milik Siapakah Gadis Ini - Jinbara ft. Fiq.

Monday, July 9, 2012

El- Familia

Alhamduliilah, during the weekend, my whole family has come and visited me, here in Malacca. :)
I didn't know how to explain the feelings, but I was so happy! (^_^) With my mak, abah, sistas, and bros around felt so complete ;). And he were there too. Anak emas mak dengan abah, nak buat camana. :P. Here  are some pictures of us:

Coffee, my favourite ;)

gegar sikit. :D

myself ;)

adik, ina, adam

abah, ma, wa

talking to whom, ha abah? :D

and finally, us ;)

And just want to update, I watched The Amazing Spiderman today. And yes, it was the best compared to previous spiderman, as for me! <3<3<3. Plus, it holds some meaning to me too. Ehem! :) .

Part shy shy cat which was so cute! :)

Bench scene, the part which they talked. (sorry can't find other image,  this was what came out when I googled about bench part. ;p)

And some other more. ;)

Gotta go. Homework! :)

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

for the rest of my life

For the rest of my life. Maher Zain. * while the birds are chirping, and the perfect weather in front of my OU ( Ocular Uterque: means both eyes in Greek, optical term).

I praise Allah for sending me you my love
You’ve found your home it’s here with me, and I’m here with you
Now let me let you know
You’ve opened my heart
I was always thinking that love was wrong
But everything was changed when you came along, oh
And there’s a couple of words I want to say

For the rest of my life, I’ll be with you
I’ll stay by your side, honest and true
Till the end of my time, I’ll be loving you, loving you

For the rest of my life, through days and nights
I’ll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I, I’ll be there for you
I know it deep in my heart
I feel so blessed when I think of you
And I ask Allah to bless all we do
You’re my wife, and my friend and my strength
And I pray we’re together in Jannah
Finally now I’ve found my self, I feel so strong
Yes everything was changed when you came along, oh
And there’s a couple of words I want to say

For the rest of my life, I’ll be with you
I’ll stay by your side, honest and true
Till the end of my time, I’ll be loving you, loving you
For the rest of my life, through days and nights
I’ll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I, I’ll be there for you
I know it deep in my heart
And now that you’re here, in front of me
I strongly feel love
And I have no doubt, and I’ll sing it loud
And that I will love you eternally

For the rest of my life, I’ll be with you
I’ll stay by your side, honest and true
Till the end of my time, I’ll be loving you, loving you
For the rest of my life, through days and nights
I’ll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I, I’ll be there for you
I know it deep in my heart


*tiada kena mengena antara yang hidup atau tiada*

Being a kid those days wasn't a good experience for me, not the whole time, but most of the time. Nobody seems to like me much, even my parents, they seem to ignore me, I was kind of black sheep in the family, always make everybody else annoyed with me. Not everybody pleased with me. Sometimes, I tried to find the reason behind, why they seemed to hate me so much. Was it because I was the ugliest in the family sort of, or maybe I did a lot of things that troubled their lives or maybe, sometimes I had the thought that I was not their daughter. Being screamed, babbled, pinched, all those things I have experienced. They love my sisters more than they love me, it seems. And almost every night, my ending of the days were with tears and swollen panda eyes. I woke up every morning with new aims and missions, I wanted to prove them I will be all better when I grew up, I wanted to make them proud one day and I wanted to please them, I knew they have sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings. During that time, I really didn't know where to turn to. I didn't have good friend to share, I couldn't even share it with my sister, it surely would make things worst. Finally, all the sadness and sorrows, I buried deep in my heart. As what I could remember, there was one time, I was being chased from my own home. And that was final, I cried and cried, and there came my little brother, who was very little that time, didn't know anything about hurt and being hurt, he came and comforted me, saying good things, trying to cheer me up. I hugged him very tight, never wanted to let him go, at last there was someone who understood what I felt deep inside. I didn't speak to both my parents for almost a week, then again, I apologized to them, for the things that I didn't even know why I did that. During that time, I did have a diary to tell what I've been through and what was my aim, and my sadness in between. I kept thinking and thinking, trying to search the answer for that, why they hated me much, why they didn't seem to love me, why it seemed that I always made them annoyed with me. Yes, ANNOYED with me. I tried to convince myself that whatever happened, they still love me. still. Because one of teacher has mentioned, whatever happened, your mom always love you, even she didn't show it. I took my teacher's word and kept repeating it played through my head. And I kept praying, I hope, someday I can prove to them, I will be a better daughter to them, trying to pay back what they have done to me, trying to repay those sacrifices they have done for me.. And that time also, fairy tales did have impact on me. I wished that someday, there came the prince trying to save me from this gloom of day, trying to find the light that have gone and trying to cheer me up and enlighten my day.

I think I have found him. My heart strongly said yes, I have found him. But, unfortunately, I think I do always make him annoyed with me, I sulk most of the time and cry almost everyday for no reason. I always put the blame on him for everything's happen, I always hurt his feeling, and the worst part is, I accidentally make him feel guilty for no reasons. To you: I am sorry I have hurt you much, I annoy most of your days, I disturb you with all my problems, I am so sorry. I know, I was known to be a trouble maker girl, I am no good, I am so imperfect. And even now I think I really am a trouble maker, I am SORRY for hurting you a lot these days, making you guilty most of the time, and for the ANNOYED behaviour I have. I just want to tell you, I have a lot of bad behaviours which you know and you may not know. I can't avoid that, I really can't, it just stuck with me. With the problems I made since I was a kid, you knew now right I am no good girl. Please know that. And please know that, I don't have anyone else to carry with me my burdens, I have you one and only. I know, I am not a little girl with good behaviours and less sulking habit, I am opposite to that. Again, SORRY for my annoyance to you, truly sorry. I love you. 

Monday, July 2, 2012

Good bye Games.

There it goes. Today, I summarized all the games that I have participated for the Manipal Unity Cup under the team FIRE, 'as hell'. ( I just added up the 'as hell' part.;p) Almost all the games for female I participated, hahaha, tak malu kan? Hmm, but that's just me. I just love sports even, I am not that good in playing all those games like:

  • netball
  • basketball
  • handball
  • volleyball
Yes, not good, not good. Seriously, among all the games, I just don't have one particular game that I mastered. But, you know what, I LOVE playing volleyball, sangat sangat. :") But for today, I just played 3/4 of the first set. Okay la kan, dapat jugak melepaskan rindu. I just hope that, one day, I can play volleyball again, not for the match, but just random games like that. :)

And for the updates, tomorrow, I will be starting my new posting which is OPHTHALMOLOGY, the study of eyes, big eyes, small eyes, sepet sepet eyes like you know who you are, and scary scary eyes. I just hope everything just goes well. 

And today, the first letter was delivered. First one. It's been a while, but yes, this was the first letter. Nak kumpul banyak- banyak, buat kenangan. <3.

If I miss them, this is the corner. Both the pictures and the plastic tree <3

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Old Friend. Ng Wen Jia

And I miss my old friend, very old one, friend in high school.

Try to contact her, but I lost her phone number, even I don't have her facebook, or twitter account.

I remembered about those letters that we exchanged, it means a lot to me. :) How I felt much happy those days, thinking that I might be getting a letter a week, and while reading it, there was a joyous smile from my face, the true one . She is not a Malay, she's a Chinese, she was very kind, she was two years older than me.   I just hope that one day I might be seeing her again :)