Can I be like that?

I don't know why, today I feel so sad. Ermm not kind of so so sad, it's more of I am disappointed with so many things. Trying to do the best you can in certain things, but it ended up that, you were not being appreciated of what you did, it really hurts you know. You study almost every night, thinking that you want to master the topics, but end up you are being accused for not studying and not doing well in performance. It hurts. You don't know where to turn to. Being in front of all of them, and being scolded with harsh words and was labelled as 'stupid questions you've asked' 'irrelevant questions', 'haphazard history' were not a nice things you know. In fact, before I presented, I did have the aim to impress him, to try to show that I am studying, but ended up I spoiled everything. He didn't satisfy with my performance. He said that I did badly in Psychiatry, I should brush up my Psychiatry, and if only he knew that I spent most of my nights ( every night I shall say) just to open a psychiatry book to study. I rarely have the interest that much actually. Not everybody has the interest in Psychiatry. It hurts me in a way. Tonight, because of that, I don't feel like studying, I don't feel like open a book. I just want to rebel, really want to rebel even only I am the only one knowing that I am rebelling right now. Actually, this was just a small part of many things I am going to face later, I think even worse than this. That's why, I held my tears from falling, eventhough during my way back from hospital to my room, I was really about to burst anytime if anybody provoked me. I held it tight, even in my room all alone, I forced myself not to think about what has happened, and what has hurt me.. Let's just think it on a bright side. Let the mistakes become my good teacher. I will try not to repeat the mistakes and try to improve for the next time. There's always next time right? I promise myself to rewrite what mistakes I've made and I'm going to repeat it again and again. Let this be a lesson to me. I really want to be a very good doctor later, not just a doctor on the name, but a really real doctor who can do work very well, who can be a good listener to the patients. I don't want to be mechanical doctor, I want to be a doctor with a good soul and experience.

On the other hand, the things that made me sad today, hmm, I guess about me going or not going back. Mak keep telling me to just go back even the things about the car is not settled yet, because she said so many things she needs to do; to service the car, to repair the damaged part of car, the damaged paint, to refill the gas for aircond. So many things. I know. But, going back more than one time, oh I can't really afford that even I really wish to do so. It's so expensive to go back you know :( I really don't want to burden them this time, I just want to use my scholarship for my expenses, that's all. I hope everything will be just fine. Just fine.

Good thing for today: I learnt something in usrah today, about Firaun's wife, Asiah. She was very loyal and really have strong faith in Allah till she didn't care to be suffering and died just to protect and keep believing in Allah. She should be a good model to Muslimah. Can we be like her? Can we? Just think and muhasabah. 

Let the pictures do the talking :)

Assalamualaikum I bid to all of the readers including you of course. :)

Yes, it's been a while. Too many things have happened recently. Today I don't feel like talking much, maybe pictures will do the talking, am I allowed so? :)

• My group eop party. Party at Ira, Fara and Lina's house. This was one way of jimat you know, because spending money at Johnny is such a waste >.<

• Kursus pra- perkahwinan. Settled. :)

Ira and Me. 

• A visit to Salvation Army. ( For reader's info, I am now currently in Psychiatry posting in my second week already :)

• Belated birthday gift to my beloved.:) It's a watch. Use the time wisely, love. :)

And that are all I guess. Let the pictures do the talking. :) Tomorrow I have case presentation with Dr. Rajagopal. I hope his mood is okay, and I get a cooperative patient T_T Amin. 

Exam politic?

Salam. Just want to update a little, I have finished my end posting examination just left the case power point presentation. Hmm, I was a bit afraid actually because early in the morning, I felt a bit lethargic, tired and there was one episode of vomiting, but nothing came out. It hurts me so much, I couldn't even flip a page in the morning before going for exam in the MGH. This was really a tawakal for me ..:") During the case presentation, I was paired up with the Fara, my groupmate. We started finding the case from Ward 4, however, no good cases were seen. Mostly all because of fractures and have already on fixators. ( It will made hard for us to examine). Then we went to one ward below, there was one case of osteoarthrosis, with kind of a good I may say, plus the Chinese uncle looked very cooperative. On inspection what I noticed, there was swelling seen on the anterior part of right knee, however, he had undergone TKR (Total Knee Replacement) on the left side. We tried to get the history, fara and I alternately asked, and during the time, I was feeling giddeness, and I had this headache. My eyes were wide, searching for a chair at least to sit, but around the nice uncle, the chair was occupied. Then I had to sit just on the floor, squatting to be precise. Then I felt a bit better. Korek and korek to get the history, it turned out that this uncle have come for exam for manipal student many time previously. I tried to ask for symptoms OA but he never mentioned it, yeah it was true he said he's having knee pain but, that was only right after I asked him thou. He kept on saying doctors said he was having infections in the bone. I was a bit confused, and with the unwell state of me, I looked at Fara, then we decided to find other cases because for now, even the examination findings were perfect, but I couldn't dig so much yet, the history. Then, to simplify, we clerked a case of diabetic foot ulcer, a Malay lady, who is also nice and cooperative. The same feelings came to me,, the unwell part then I just squatted asking the permission from the lady. Eventually, Dr. Sendeep came to take our exam, which supposed to be Dr. Nirmal. I presented the history, while Fara presented the examination findings. I couldn't bear with  the smell and maybe at any time I may throw up, better asked her, rather than I closed my nose, it looked inappropriate. And yeah he asked us questions unrelated to DFU, only a little bit about management he did asked. He asked more on Physiology, Anatomy and Microbiology which I had read 4 years back. T_T. Just hope that the results will come out just fine ;)


And one more thing I'm gonna touch today. I rarely speak about politics in my blog, I think never for what I remember, but today I'm gonna speak up a bit. I knew, I seldom read about politics, don't even care to register for voting ( realised when it has closed, couldn't register, too late;p), I knew very very little about politics, even you can ask him how he laughed at me, when I didn't know what's the difference between so called 'parlimen' and 'dun' one time and when I had misinterpretation on usage of ink on the nail. I knew all of that, but, thinking that I didn't know anything I sometimes, just follow and see what's going on, about the issues they've been talking and all. YES, I know that when we talked about PR, we are definitely not going to say PAS and PKR only, so we included the DAP too, they are Malaysians too. What I knew most of Malaysians currently want to diminish all the corruptions in the government, all of us want that. But, as a Muslim, what I really want to, and of course other Muslims too, we want the leaders who can apply all those Islamic rules and lead Malaysia in a Islamic manner, with no corruptions and better nations.

"TGNA should have long back retired, what our Tun M has done, he was too old for that, and let new faces lead the Kelantan."
Maybe the statement is correct at one angle, yes, let the new faces lead Kelantan, but don't you know that Kelantanese were so sad for the retirement of TGNA? They were so so sad. And they deserved too. They are Kelantanese. TGNA has become MB of Kelantan for about 22 years. They live in Kelantan. So they are well aware of that, VERY WELL AWARE of that. And plus, it shows that TGNA has leaded Kelantan in a very good way, they feel sad for the retirement.

Don't simply make a statement about something but you don't actually in their shoes. Yes, you may have your rights to say, your proofs, but still, you are not in the people shoes. Even those who are in the shoes they have other opinions, they are more deserved.

I am attracted to another statement.

"Even Rasulullah s.a.w becomes a leader till the end of his life." Yes, true. I agree with that. Maybe, he was too old for the post previously before the retirement, but as long as he think he could lead the state without any problems, ( and yes, not much of a problems it seems), that's why maybe he decided to continue. Then when he thought of letting other new faces to lead, he retired. :) It is as easy as that.

I am not trying to pro or anti any parties. But, just think. An ulama like that, with new generations, leading our country one day, with Allah's help, insyaAllah Islam will rise again. :) Don't raise any issues on racism or anything. You may think that when other races are on top one day, they may displace Malay's speciality slowly. But, think in a bright side, Allah itu ada. Allah maha melihat. A country with a ulama leader, insyaAllah will make ease by Allah :) Amin. 

Lee Min Ho vs. Apley

Today is my sleeping day for me. I opened and read half a page of Orthopaedic textbook Apley's then, suddenly my eyelids got so heavy till it spontaneously closed. Then I woke up again, maybe of a bad dream in a middle of the day. Again, the same routine, I read a line, then I felt as if I was floating, the transition between awakening and sleepiness. Then there I was, sleeping yet, again!

Go to hell all those aims, konon- konon nak habiskan la at least one topic, blah la fit!

And one thing I have succeeded today: I managed to watch 2 episodes of City Hunter today! Mihmihmih~ Well, who can stand this handsome, awesome, cool guy, Lee Min Ho, he's so smart! Oh, City Hunter is one of the Korean series actually, action with a little bit of romance kinda type.

Awwwww~ Look at the smile :)))

Random thoughts at 1.46am

OMG . Yes, I am right about my previous post. My eyes are still wide awake. Darn it. Can't sleep even I have lot of sips of milk! :( Tomorrow I have class anyway. >.<

By the way, I want to summarize what I feel right now. Right now, at this moment. Yeah, you know when you are trying so hard to get sleepy then your brain will be suddenly active, then thinking about so many things, out of nowhere and all of a sudden.

• I am so happy, feel like smiling non stop even now, and till in my dreams tonight, yeahhh no lying, I'm still curving a smile on my face anyway! :) Because because, I've seen you back after about a week we didn't bump into each others. :*

• I miss my old gang in KTT, known as "Clique8". Emm, the name created by us, not anybody. Hahaha. and it consists of 8 of us including, Nad, Arisya, Mirah, Aimie, Syikin, Dayah and Tiah! :) I just miss you guys a lot. A lot. Hope we can see each other one fine day aminnn :)

• I feel like travelling to different parts of world for example, Europe, whole Asia especially Korea and Japan and so many places! With you, and no one else, just both of us, appreciate the beauty of world, taking pictures together, having fun together, away from the busy days. :")

• And I guess I gotta stop now and make my way to the bed. It's very late already. It's 1.45am in the morning. Good night and good morning folks. :) whoever is reading. 

What a life really.

Today was a tiring day for me. Yeah I know what you gonna say.

"You didn't have afternoon class, how come you said today was a tiring day for you?"

Hee. Yes, it is. I didn't have afternoon class but still I was way too tired till I slept for almost 3 hours this afternoon! I wonder how I am going to sleep tonight =.= It was tiring when you had to stand about 3 hours in the OT (operation theatre) watching for the operation going on, actually it is more tiring to watch and only observe compared to perform the operation itself you know. >.< but this is what medical student has to do. To OBSERVE. To make thing worst, I didn't actually take my breakfast as initially, I decided to fast today. But, then I was suddenly in a red- flag state, you knew why. So, that was even worse! The symptoms that I usually have in the earlier 1-2 days of period is back pain and there it was, the BACK PAIN, worsen on standing for a long time!

Can you imagine the feeling? You stomach was growling, asking for food, while at the same time you had to bear with the back pain. Ughhh. It hurts you know. Haihhh merungut je kan! Hehe. But, that's how I am going to face about another 1 year when I will be a Housemanship officer (HO) later. Have to try to bear with it. Fighting! ;)

Now, I am so wide awake. Guess I should have struggling from today onwards as end of posting orthopaedic examination is approaching. For God sake, for the last 2 weeks, I was just playing all around, didn't even finish reading even a page! So lazy girl indeed.

So, TODAY I HAVE TO START STUDYING!!!!!!!!

REALLY HAVE TOO! :)))

so, Fighting to me and to you too, and BEST OF LUCK for your block test tomorrow. :)