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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Can I be like that?

I don't know why, today I feel so sad. Ermm not kind of so so sad, it's more of I am disappointed with so many things. Trying to do the best you can in certain things, but it ended up that, you were not being appreciated of what you did, it really hurts you know. You study almost every night, thinking that you want to master the topics, but end up you are being accused for not studying and not doing well in performance. It hurts. You don't know where to turn to. Being in front of all of them, and being scolded with harsh words and was labelled as 'stupid questions you've asked' 'irrelevant questions', 'haphazard history' were not a nice things you know. In fact, before I presented, I did have the aim to impress him, to try to show that I am studying, but ended up I spoiled everything. He didn't satisfy with my performance. He said that I did badly in Psychiatry, I should brush up my Psychiatry, and if only he knew that I spent most of my nights ( every night I shall say) just to open a psychiatry book to study. I rarely have the interest that much actually. Not everybody has the interest in Psychiatry. It hurts me in a way. Tonight, because of that, I don't feel like studying, I don't feel like open a book. I just want to rebel, really want to rebel even only I am the only one knowing that I am rebelling right now. Actually, this was just a small part of many things I am going to face later, I think even worse than this. That's why, I held my tears from falling, eventhough during my way back from hospital to my room, I was really about to burst anytime if anybody provoked me. I held it tight, even in my room all alone, I forced myself not to think about what has happened, and what has hurt me.. Let's just think it on a bright side. Let the mistakes become my good teacher. I will try not to repeat the mistakes and try to improve for the next time. There's always next time right? I promise myself to rewrite what mistakes I've made and I'm going to repeat it again and again. Let this be a lesson to me. I really want to be a very good doctor later, not just a doctor on the name, but a really real doctor who can do work very well, who can be a good listener to the patients. I don't want to be mechanical doctor, I want to be a doctor with a good soul and experience.

On the other hand, the things that made me sad today, hmm, I guess about me going or not going back. Mak keep telling me to just go back even the things about the car is not settled yet, because she said so many things she needs to do; to service the car, to repair the damaged part of car, the damaged paint, to refill the gas for aircond. So many things. I know. But, going back more than one time, oh I can't really afford that even I really wish to do so. It's so expensive to go back you know :( I really don't want to burden them this time, I just want to use my scholarship for my expenses, that's all. I hope everything will be just fine. Just fine.

Good thing for today: I learnt something in usrah today, about Firaun's wife, Asiah. She was very loyal and really have strong faith in Allah till she didn't care to be suffering and died just to protect and keep believing in Allah. She should be a good model to Muslimah. Can we be like her? Can we? Just think and muhasabah. 

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