"Real me"


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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

story


*tiada kena mengena antara yang hidup atau tiada*



Being a kid those days wasn't a good experience for me, not the whole time, but most of the time. Nobody seems to like me much, even my parents, they seem to ignore me, I was kind of black sheep in the family, always make everybody else annoyed with me. Not everybody pleased with me. Sometimes, I tried to find the reason behind, why they seemed to hate me so much. Was it because I was the ugliest in the family sort of, or maybe I did a lot of things that troubled their lives or maybe, sometimes I had the thought that I was not their daughter. Being screamed, babbled, pinched, all those things I have experienced. They love my sisters more than they love me, it seems. And almost every night, my ending of the days were with tears and swollen panda eyes. I woke up every morning with new aims and missions, I wanted to prove them I will be all better when I grew up, I wanted to make them proud one day and I wanted to please them, I knew they have sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings. During that time, I really didn't know where to turn to. I didn't have good friend to share, I couldn't even share it with my sister, it surely would make things worst. Finally, all the sadness and sorrows, I buried deep in my heart. As what I could remember, there was one time, I was being chased from my own home. And that was final, I cried and cried, and there came my little brother, who was very little that time, didn't know anything about hurt and being hurt, he came and comforted me, saying good things, trying to cheer me up. I hugged him very tight, never wanted to let him go, at last there was someone who understood what I felt deep inside. I didn't speak to both my parents for almost a week, then again, I apologized to them, for the things that I didn't even know why I did that. During that time, I did have a diary to tell what I've been through and what was my aim, and my sadness in between. I kept thinking and thinking, trying to search the answer for that, why they hated me much, why they didn't seem to love me, why it seemed that I always made them annoyed with me. Yes, ANNOYED with me. I tried to convince myself that whatever happened, they still love me. still. Because one of teacher has mentioned, whatever happened, your mom always love you, even she didn't show it. I took my teacher's word and kept repeating it played through my head. And I kept praying, I hope, someday I can prove to them, I will be a better daughter to them, trying to pay back what they have done to me, trying to repay those sacrifices they have done for me.. And that time also, fairy tales did have impact on me. I wished that someday, there came the prince trying to save me from this gloom of day, trying to find the light that have gone and trying to cheer me up and enlighten my day.

I think I have found him. My heart strongly said yes, I have found him. But, unfortunately, I think I do always make him annoyed with me, I sulk most of the time and cry almost everyday for no reason. I always put the blame on him for everything's happen, I always hurt his feeling, and the worst part is, I accidentally make him feel guilty for no reasons. To you: I am sorry I have hurt you much, I annoy most of your days, I disturb you with all my problems, I am so sorry. I know, I was known to be a trouble maker girl, I am no good, I am so imperfect. And even now I think I really am a trouble maker, I am SORRY for hurting you a lot these days, making you guilty most of the time, and for the ANNOYED behaviour I have. I just want to tell you, I have a lot of bad behaviours which you know and you may not know. I can't avoid that, I really can't, it just stuck with me. With the problems I made since I was a kid, you knew now right I am no good girl. Please know that. And please know that, I don't have anyone else to carry with me my burdens, I have you one and only. I know, I am not a little girl with good behaviours and less sulking habit, I am opposite to that. Again, SORRY for my annoyance to you, truly sorry. I love you. 

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