=(

I'm off the limit. Super tired and exhausted. Too confused with so many things.

:(

Good nite and Assalamualaikum.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan ku. :(

Exam fever

Surgery is a bit tiring, but I have to keep my spirit still up high.

Please be good to me surgery.. Please.

And other subjects too. I have about 90 days for the P2S1 left. :(

About to rain?

Assalamualaikum....

Today, my mood is as gloomy as a sky about to rain. I don't know what things that matter, usually I could resist the sad feeling when he didn't look into my eyes while explaining, but this time, I felt so so sad, I felt useless, I felt like I wasn't even there, at all. Yes, I knew, a long time ago, I have faced this kinda situation, in which I was able to let go off the feeling. I still remembered those times, when my heart was too soft, I was too jealous but I couldn't do anything, I just kept it to myself, couldn't even share with anybody. And thus, I rode my scooter, away from the place I've been, I went to a place where at least, I could cry as loud as I can, nobody even cared.

And now, I've nowhere to run, no one to even share, nobody will understand..

I miss the moment in Manipal so much. So much. I miss the place so much. I miss Maya, and I miss everything, I miss the moment where I could cry on the bike, in which nobody there to know. =(


One other thing: My sister has gone for the kursus, yeah that kursus. And I didn't even know when will my time come, when and how.

Nurul Fitrilina, please be strong.

Don't fall at this moment. A lot more to come later. A lot more.

#np Titanium

Opinion

This is not the issue of pointing and blaming others, this is the issue of consideration as a human being.

Thank you.

Salam Awal Muharram :)

Assalamualaikum, dear friends. =))

Hi, we meet again, after so long I guess? Yeah, been having about a week holiday, currently in surgical posting, really kept my day so busy. Anyway, it's not that I don't have idea to babble in Cekelat, it's just that, I don't have time to sit and publish an entry. It's okay, since now I am in a good mood I shall say, let's use it wisely, let's update my days recently.

All in all, as what I've mentioned, I actually just came back from my hometown, Guar Chempedak, Kedah, from a 6 days of holiday (including one day 'buat buat cuti sendiri';p), and this cuti was actually for Deepavali together with the holiday for Awal Muharram, the beginning in Muslim's calendar if you don't know. :).

Part 1: Regarding the holidays, I've spent my time happily at home, yeah, at least a 6 days of holidays was worth compared to that time whereby I just came back home for three days during Hari Raya Haji. :( To take revenge of that, then I went back again this time, with the beloved. :) Being at home, when everybody was there, all my siblings, parents were there, since school holidays have been started already, I had so much joy and fun. My family is a spontaneously-crack-the-jokes-type and I, the one who listened, laughed so much, to their jokes. Alhamdullilah for that ;). Although we didn't go out much that time, (only visited some family members), since my house was under renovation, we still enjoyed ourselves at the place called home. :) Thank you thank you thank you. ;). That's why when I came back to hostel, few days ago, I was so homesick, since sleeping with my sisters has turned into sleeping alone in this room. :( But, never mind, whatever it is, I really have to stay alone, no choice, just have to be patient, and keep my spirit up high, that's the most important things. Thanks to my sistas for the support and to you too :') (I don't actually tell my parents about the homesick feeling I've been experienced last few days, since I didn't want to worry them, let  they know that I am just fine here, struggling hard to excel as a medical student and soon, a doctor, insyaAllah :)

Part 2: Being back at home means being able to date. Haha, so naughty one. ;P. But, in fact, it was true anyway for me. :D. This time around, we chose, again Penang, as the place to visit? Haha, well kinda la. :D. But, for me, this was the special one, very special one, I really realized that, somebody  really take good care of me, love me, and need me. And I do too. :") Thank you for the sad scene, and thank you la for making me teared a bit, because of so grateful having you in my life. :) . I pray to Allah s.w.t to ease our way, and to bless this relationship till we tie the knot and till the day after insyaAllah one fine day, amin :). And now I am tearing but.. shh! :"). And ah, not to forget, thank you for the ice-creammmmmm which I 'kempunan' so much!! :P

Thanks :)

Part 3: Gaza, Palestin vs. Israel. Please guys, have the thought in mind that, we, as Muslims really need to fight for them, need to support them. If we can't really provide those things, like weapons, booms, M16, at least, we pray for them will ya? :") Pray that Allah s.w.t help our siblings out there, in their jihad for Islam. :"). Amin. ;) and it does count. :)

Part 4: Interbatch is back! :) And as usual, I am one of the 'bidan terjun' to play all the games which I really don't have any idea about, just a little skill left, at least to participate. :P. Done with basketball and badminton. And AS USUAL, I won! Haha, no la, mimpi la, I LOST actually! :D

Part 5: Our superb Surgery lecturer, Professor Dr. Than Zhint gonna resign from MMMC in a two weeks time. :( So sad, but at least I've got the chance to join his OT with other colleagues. :)  And plus, at least, I've got a picture with him. Yay! :)))

Part 5: Jaab Taak Hai Jaan. Wanna watch please? :))))))



#np That Thing You Do- The Wonders.

Hey

Life's like that, yes like that. Happy Sunday everybody. Today I woke up so so late, like a boss. I know, as a so-called anak dara, it isn't nice to wake up that late. Hee, but I was so tired these few days, thanks I shall say to Surgery. T_T. But, never mind, I should have get used to it, P2S1 is really around the corner actually. About less than 14weeks liddat. Few things happened:

• Medicine results have come out, Alhamdulillah I passed, even I only got 64. It's okay, I should have be grateful for that matter. Thank you Allah, I shall work harder next time for the remaining Surgery, Paediatrics and ONG which will be followed by P2S1. 
• I'm going back weeheeeee! On Deepavali with love. :)

That's all. And yes, I am still craving for the ice- cream @_@

#np Our Hearts Are Wrong.

Surgery.

2nd day of Surgery Posting. I think about babbling something in Cekelat. It won't take much time, 15 minutes will do. =).

Salam and hello everybody.. Hi, since I've been gone for quite a long time. Can imagine right, an 8 weeks of Medicine posting, continues with the busiest posting which is Surgery which I am facing it now. I know, it's a bit too exaggerating saying that I am damn tired because of surgery since this is only the second day of the battle. A lot more to come. But, truth is yes, I am so so tired, with a bit of feeling unwell physically. I feel feverish, cough with running nose, maybe because lately this is the season of sickness I guess. Even my best friends, Mun and Zaty also had just recovered from those fevers. My turn has come. I don't like this feeling, feeling of unwell making me so lazy to do things, so lethargic most of the time, but however surgery postings requires me to spend a lot of time to study! Yes, a lot, since there are many things being covered. Before you can do well in Surgery I should be good in Anatomy. Even the distance between pubic symphysis and pubic tubercle does matter! ( 1.25cm, hee, nak berlagak jap because this was the only fact I knew when Dr Das Gupta asked us this morning. Hihi). Yes, surely ANATOMY is important, in fact you need to know every single thing because when you are in an operation, surely you don't want to get sued when you wrongly remove the organ, since you are weak in Anatomy right? A fact.

Thinking about this unwell feeling makes me so can't wait to go home, I miss home. Alhamdulillah, I've bought ticket to go back to Kedah which will be on this Monday! Hip Hip Hooray! =)..

Results medicine is not out yet . I am so scared, having so many negative thoughts that I might have failed because I couldn't answer much during the exams, and in fact if I answered some of the questions, I've checked and turned out to be most of them were wrong. Pity me. :( Please, pray for me, at least I pass. :( I don't want to consider to be as in ' Conditional state' in which I need to pass 8/10 in Osce station during the real exam P2S1. I hope and pray that I pass. Amin.

That's all for the now. Just wanna tell you one thing.

"I'm sorry if because of me, you can't focus so much. I'm really sorry, and I will be away for a while, and make sure you focus to the max! :)"

P/s: I'm so addicted to ice-cream and so kempunan!!

Let's have a scoop of ice cream together please one day? :)

Maafkan aku, andai kacau bilau dalam jiwa hadir dengan hadirnya aku,
Maafkan aku, andai malam-malammu tak setenang dulu kerna adanya aku,
Maafkan aku, andai airmata ini kerap kali menitis bila dengan kamu,
Maafkan aku, andai aku terlalu membebankanmu..
Maafkan aku.....

EOP Medicine.

After 8 weeks of medicine it is finally over. I just finished my end of posting examination today itself. The outcome? A big sigh I shall say.. :( I am so super sad, why this happened to me? I have studied so hard, I've risked my two days postings just to make sure that I studied well for the exam. :(

Not to say that I was regretted of what I've done in the process of studying, it was just that, why I couldn't do well even I've worked hard?

Just remember, that everything has been arranged by The Almighty, we couldn't do anything except for keep working and praying. At the end of the day, I finally try to accept that whatever happened, happened for a reason. Ya Allah, everything that You've arranged, I know have hikmah behind it. Please let my heart accept it. Berserahlah... Doakanlah yang terbaik. Moga aku PASS. :(

Random ?

5 random things for the day.

• Extended short case, which I have just done today with Dr . Bashir. 
• I left my phone in my room for a day, and so restless thinking that I might have lost it. 
• I love my parents, and I love them a lot. I love my family and you too :)
• I should start saving! Going to be like a walking pieces of bones, for another 4 months!
• InsyaAllah, I will be going home for Deepavali :)

Hello. ;)

Hey you.

I kinda miss you.

:").

1 hari 1 resepi.

To you, thank you for the birthday gift. I knew you kept saying sorry for the delayed birthday gift, but I just want you to know that, getting a birthday wish from you was actually more than enough. :-*..

Here are the gifts.

Thank you! =) I know the first one was demanded by me, heee =p..


Well, as per saying, I have tried two recipes from the recipe book, 1 hari 1 resepi. There were the simple ones, since I didn't have so much time and plus, I didn't have enough ingredients, maybe next time I will try a complex one, ready with the ingredients.

Here it goes! All the ingredients and recipes will be explained in Malay since this is Malay food, and I am a bit comfortable in explaining things in Malay actually. Hope it would be fine. :)
1) The first one was sambal sardin. 


Ingredients:
Bahan A:
I tin kecil sardin
2 biji tomato
1 labu bawang besar
3sudu minyak masak
Garam secukup rasa.

Bahan B:
3 sudu cili boh ( half cooked)
separuh labu bawang besar ( dicincang)
3 ulas bawang putih (dicincang)

How to do:
1. Panaskan minyak masak didalam multi cooker, tumis bahan B hingga pecah minyak.
2. Masukkan sardin, bawang besar dan garam. (Boleh tambah sos tomato). Kemudian, kacau rata.
3. Masukkan tomato dan kacau rata.
4. Tutup api dan sedia dihidang. ;)

2) Kubis goreng

Ingredients:
500gm kubis manis
2 biji telur
1 labu bawang besar (dihiris)
3 ulas bawang putih (dihiris)
3 sudu minyak masak
Garam secukup rasa

How to do:
1.Kubis dipotong kecil dan dicuci bersih. Kemudian tuskan.
2. Panaskan minyak dan tumiskan bawang besar dan bawang putih sehingga wangi.
Masukkan kubis. Kacau rata.
3. Pecahkan telur di dalam kuali.
4. Kacau rata.
5. Rasakan masinnya.
6. Sedia dihidang.

I know, it seems so simple, but that's only I could help cooking myself, for the busy life as medical student, plus not much ingredients I had during the time. I will try to cook something a bit complex later. Hee. Till now, salam.

Block

Tomorrow is the day, the block test. Medicine block test. I just hope everything goes well, even I know I didn’t complete the readings yet. I am tired already. I just hope that I can tahan for another at least one hour. Medical student is like this, full of hard work, busy in a day but at the end of the day, we are all seemed very lethargic and tired. Running here and there in the ward, clerking case, doing examination, being scolded by nurse, m.o, h.o, consultant and even being scolded by the patient for disturbing their sleeps are actually our routines. How can we say no? Being in a 4th year, is a bit near to the end of the journey. I just have to be strong, keep my spirits up high, ready for the next battle. I really pray that I can face all of these very well, I really hope so. Amin. Amin. 

Empty little box

Salam. It's been a while since I blogged last time. Sorry, I am a bit busy with the new posting, Medicine and plus, I am the group leader. So many things to deal with, so many people to be tolerated to, and so many stuffs left unsettled.

Sometimes, at the end of the day, I feel like running away.. Running away from all the hectic medical student life, tired of all the people who keep look down on me, tired of all the things I learn but I keep forgetting, tired of all the feelings I buried deep down my heart, but nobody really cares or if they do, they can't do anything at last. Being a doctor, is what I wish once upon a time when I was a child. When my parents asked what would I be when I grew up, or when my teacher asked, I immediately said that I want to be a doctor without a pause between the question. Even when I read my profile in my friends' book, my ambition was a doctor. I don't know why I prefer that career those time, although I didn't have any of my family who was a doctor, or soon to be a doctor. Maybe mass media played an important roles to all of these.

Now, when it is so near to the exam, I keep thinking that, can I pursue to the next level, can I? I'm not a distinction, great great student, I study but I sometimes, forget what I already learnt, and I'm not a good student, bright one. I become restless in the wards, still learning on how to take good history, being condemned by the lecturers for the simple mistakes is a routine. What I can do now, pray hard and work hard. :(.

Still, I feel like I want to run away, away from here, away from everyone else, where nobody can find me. I know I burden people so much, especially my parents, and you. I know. I'm of no good, I demand a lot, really a lot. I know, they always get annoyed to me, I know. They never miss me, do they? :(. Demanding things for a birthday isn't a good thing, Nurul Fitrilina. Who do you think you are? A princess? Or a celebrity whom being love by everyone? I am like an empty little box who is ready to be thrown out from any place. I am like that, true story. To vomit out what I say, I never do that. Because if I do, I just add up the burden to them. Don't dream of a good treat, good gift, from them, because you know you are nothing to them, really. You are nothing. You are meaningless to them.

Hello there, wind, or the rain,
Bring me away from here,
Let me disappeared, with no trace,
Let me fly and gone and never come back,
The existence of me  isn't a dream for others,
They never care, never even look up for me,
Yes, I am, an empty little box,
Ready to be kicked out.

=(

Weekend.

Summary of the weekend:

• Thanks to my mak and abah, Adam, Wa for the surprise. I'm so happy, to see you guys cz miss you guys a lot. :"). I promise I will work harder and harder after this!! =)
• Thanks for joining again my family, thanks and I really appreciate it. :)
• However, I just realized one thing. Maybe I am no longer your priority. Your friends are. I know, they are fun, enjoyable, easy to be treated, no sulking like I did. Yes, I am jealous to your friends, like a lot. Never mind, I will try to overcome. I will and always. 

PMS?

I don't feel good tonight. I feel so alone, I feel so down, feel so sad, dunno how to explain. I feel so weak, feel like crying. Now, if I feel like crying, I have to cry all alone, no one is there to listen to my sadness, back to those time when I didn't have anybody, not that I 'really' don't have anybody, it's just that, if before this, I used to share my sadness, nowadays, it seems that I couldn't share the tears anymore, he can never see, he never knows, but still he can console me, but not by speaking to me, but yet, by typing to me. It's not the same:(.

To bother my friends, not a good idea I think, they are all busy studying, and end up, I'm in my room, wiping my tears alone. Even now, if I try to study, I can't really focus, feel so stupid, I don't know anything :( .

Then, I keep thinking about my future, my life and everything. Now, I may plan a lot of things, I may dream to have a lot of things, to gain a lot of things, but truth is, only HE will decide what will be my fate. What the only thing I can do is by PRAYING hard, hoping that my dreams and plans come true. And if, the plans don't go the way it should, I really hope I can face it with open heart.

 It's hard, really hard. Please give me your shoulder, so that I can cry without worries in my mind anymore. :(
Good night and Assalamulaikum.

Honeymoon Trip

Salam and hello everybody. Just now I watched some photos of my friend, just married. She went to Japan for honeymoon with her husband. So enjoyable and amazing trip, I think based on the photos! :)) Then, all of a sudden, a light bulb popped into my mind. Where would I go for my honeymoon later? Hehe, I know, it is too early to think about but who cares, that's my dream , so let it be right? ;)
I dream of one one place in which I think most of you who follows my blog would not. It's Eiffel Tower!! I've been told by so many friends who have been there, that not much things in Eiffel Tower, you just go there, and have a look at it, not much you can do. I know, I know, maybe they are right. But, I wish to go there myself and feel it myself. :)) .

So, as one of my honeymoon wish, I really wish to travel around Europe! :) Have to start saving money from now. :) I don't think I can spend a month for honeymoon since insyaAllah I will be a doctor one day, and you already know how busy the doctor would be. But, a week is enough for me, at least a week. Hee. Because I also know that once I become a doctor, there will be less less time to travel.. :( . But who cares! Europe trip please, Europe trip! And plus, my future hubby really so into Man U, and being able to visit the Manchester would be his dream too! Why don't we combine, and go there during the honeymoon? Hee. I'm too excited right now. :)) . Yes, we plan, and HE is the one who is the best planner.

But, so far, this is my dream. Europe Honeymoon Trip, with no one else but you, yeah you-know-who-you-are. :))

Sabar itu pahit, natijahnya manis:)

I felt so happy today, so happy.

Only HE knows why. :)

I dialed the numbers one by one,
Hoping to listen to your voice,
For other kind of matters,
But, it is left unanswered.
I don't know,
It suddenly cracked my tiny heart a bit, a bit.

A text received, saying something else,
Ignoring the call, yes, the call,
No return call, none, nothing is there,
Silent, and ignorance,
Why oh why..
Now, it cracked a lot, yes, a lot.

Trying to hold on, but I couldn't,
I crumpled myself by the corner,
A warm drops of fluid on the cheek,
And that's it.

smell of you

WARNING! I'M ADDICTED TO THIS SMELL.

So ADDICTED! :"(

Happy Birthday

Feel like typing today. Before I begin, I just want to say,

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to you, NURUL FITRILINA MUSTAPA.

Alhamdulillah, I've already 23, one number is added to my age. I'm all grown up, am I? Haha, actually, I am still wondering whether I can be classified under the title, ADULT yet. Based from my actions, thoughts and behaviour, it seems that I am not compatible to be an adult yet. I don't think it's a good thing, however on the other side actually, I really wish people to be called me as teen, not adult, feel so young. Hehe, but yeah life continues and days passes, we are aging, so the term adult should be in my mind right now, yes, I am an adult already , so called. 

Special thanks to those who wished me, directly, like smsing or calling me, to my parents, mak and abah, my siblings, to you yeah you-know-who-you-are, and to my friends of course, who knocked on my door exactly at 12am in the midnight to wish me, while I was blurred and so messy during the time since I just woke up from sleep. Thank you thank you. :) Not forgetting to the people out there who wished me on facebook, on twitter, even on skype. I am so grateful to have you guys in my life, really. 

mira, zaty and me. ;) <3.

mun and syikin. ;)

Strawberry Marshmello Cheese cake. Thanks kawan- kawan :)

I'm already 23. Exactly the age that my mak got married with my abah. Hehe, it was 25 years back. Now, everything has changed. We live in a modern time, too early for me to get married, or maybe 'belum sampai jodoh.' But if in case, I will get married even during my medical course, I will let you all know k, please pray the best for me and him . :)

Last night, I watched Julie & Julia movie, hee, I'm so in love with the movie, not so heavy, it's just well within my type of movie, even actually, I should have started studying last night. Hee. ;). 

Okay, last two minutes. Love you all a lot. :) Salam. ;)

Unknown Untitled.

Kini, hampir setiap malam, penghujung hari aku ditemani dengan air mata yang laju mencurah membasahi pipi. Sungguh aku cuba menahan tapi aku tidak mampu lagi, kekuatan aku sudah patah, kerana aku tahu kemampuan dan kebolehan aku, aku ini insan yang terlalu amat sensitif dan emosional. Saat dan ketika ini, air mata masih laju meluncur. Hati aku hiba, jiwa aku sayu, namun bicara aku kaku. Mengapa terlalu besar dugaan buat kami? Ya, mungkin terlalu paradoks, tidaklah sebesar mana namun untuk hati perempuan seperti aku, sebuah perubahan drastik seperti itu amat memilukan hati ini sejujurnya. Makin terasa sakit bilamana, semuanya terpaksa aku simpan sendiri, aku telan sendiri kepiluan itu. Tidak punya kekuatan untuk berkongsi dengan orang lain kerana bukan semua orang faham akan perkara yang terjadi.

Ya Allah, andai ini yang terbaik, maka Engkau tabahkanlah hati ini, dan redhakanlah jiwa ini untuk apa yang bakal terjadi. Aku bukan insan yang kuat yang mudah tenang pada kesendirian malam yang sendiri, aku bukan wanita cekal yang sudah resistance pada air mata, aku wanita biasa, yang nangis bila sedih, yang diam kelu bila aku terlalu rindu.

Aku doa kepadaMu Ya Allah, untuk malam malam seterusnya, berilah aku sedikit secebis kekuatan yang berbaki untuk aku bertahan lagi. Masih lama perjalanan itu, sungguh masih lama. Masih lama untuk tiba di masa yang sebetulnya milik aku dan dia. Kau keringkan lah air mata ini, supaya jangan lagi malam seterusnya, deretan air mata laju lagi mencurah di pipi. Aku berdoa dan aku bersujud hanya kepadaMu. 

Salam Aidilfitri, Eid Mubarak.

Salam. I guess it's not too late to wish all of you Salam Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir dan Batin even it is already many many days of Syawal.:). I'm back in Malacca after long holiday, err I know it's only two weeks, but it is considered long enough for MMMC student, since the longest holiday we had before was only a week in Malacca.

Being back to Malacca means a lot of things like:

• Have to work real hard for P2S1 examination which is around the corner, in 6 months time. 
• Have to put aside several things that I used to do, like over-shopping ( want to save money for something;p), wasting time, series, excessive sleep.
• Have to be patient, stop crying over little things, be strong as there should be reduction or NO in night lovely call everyday before I go to sleep before this. :(. No more sweet dream, sleep tight, or mimpi gula. Restriction of few things, hopefully I can manage well of this. Because everytime i think about it, I teared a bit. Even, when I was in the bus this afternoon from Muar back to Malacca, I almost wet my cheeks. :"( Bersabarlah. Good things may wait in front insyaAllah :)
• Ready to be a Medicine leader in one week time, it's quite tough I guess since Medicine is not a short postings, it accounts for 8 weeks in total. I hope I can manage this well, be a good and trusted leader. :)
• Instill good qualities in life, because as time passes, it is getting nearer to nearer to the real life of adults, as a good daughter, as a wife, as a doctor helping the society, and if Allah's will, as a mother one fine day. I know some of the qualities I have now, should be cut off, ain't appropriate to be an adult. I will try my best regarding this. ;)

That's all for now,will write back later. Check me out on Tumblr . ;)

Salam Ramdhan

Sekejap je masa berlalu pergi. Pejam celik pejam celik. Dah nak masuk separuh Ramadhan. ;) (Hari ini entri blog dalam bahasa ibunda okay. ;p). Aku rasa satu kelainan untuk Ramadhan kali ini kalau nak dibandingkan dengan Ramadhan sebelum sebelum ni. Seikhlasnya, aku rasa, banyak benda yang aku pelajari, dan banyak benda yang aku sudah boleh dikatakan 'improve' terutama sekali bila berbicara tentang ibadah pada bulan mulia ini. Aku tahu kalau sebelum ini, walaupun nama  sahaja Ramadhan, aku masih lagi bermain- main, tidak menggunakan peluang yang ada untuk semakin dekat kepadaNya. Aku lalai, leka dan alpa sedangkan aku sudah tentu tahu pada bulan ini, Allah s.w.t telah memberkas yang namanya Iblis, yang terus sahaja menghasut kita untuk benda benda yang tak elok. Tapi untuk sebelum sebelum ini, aku rasa sama sahaja kalau bulan Ramadhan ataupun bulan bulan biasa. Maknanya di situ, ada ke tak ada sang iblis, aku masih lagi lalai. Haihhhh, sedih pulak rasa. :(Tetapi kali ini, aku rasa nikmat Ramadhan. Rasa tenang dan best sangat. ;') Terima kasih, Ya Allah.

Seminggu lagi , insyaAllah, aku bakal pulang ke kampung halaman, menandakan cuti semester aku bermula, selama dua minggu lamanya. Dua minggu, sepertinya macam lama la sangat, tapi kalau sudah sampai saat itu, setiap hari pun rasa cepat sahaja berlalu. Tetapi, berakhirnya cuti semester kali ini menandakan bahawa, perjuangan aku akan bermula, bukan bermaksud belum bermula sebelum ini, cumanya, selepas cuti nanti, aku harus berusaha kuat, berjuang habis habisan untuk peperiksaan P2S1, salah satu peperiksaan yang penting sepanjang aku menjadi pelajar perubatan supaya kami dapat memasuki tahun ke lima yang bermaksud tahun terakhir, insyaAllah. Selain usaha yang berterusan, doa dan tawakal jangan dilupa, apa pun tanpa izinNya, semuanya tak akan tercapai. Jadi,

Ya Allah, Engkau yang Maha Mendengar dan Maha Memakbulkan doa hamba hamba- Mu, Kau permudahkanlah urusan kami, tenangkanlah hati kami supaya kami dapat berusaha dengan bersungguh sungguh dan berikanlah kami kejayaan dalam peperiksaan supaya kami dapat menjadi doktor yang berjaya, berbakti kepada agama, bangsa dan negara. Amin. :)

Selepas cuti juga, aku akan ditabalkan sebagai Ketua untuk Medicine Posting. Agak berat tugasnya aku kira, kerana posting selama 8 minggu bukanlah suatu yang mudah.

Bantulah aku Ya Allah, semoga aku dapat menjalankan amanah dengan jayanya dan masih lagi di atas jalanMu. 

Amin. Amin. Amin.

Bukan itu sahaja, selepas cuti juga, aku harus kuatkan hati, tabahkan jiwa dan sentiasa tenang. Semester 8 bermaksud, aku perlu me'restrict'kan certain things, bukan aku sahaja yang harus 'restrict', dia juga. Kerana keadaan tak mengizinkan, betul betul tak mengizinkan. :(. Aku tahu, untuk adaptasi pada perubahan itu, agak sukar untuk aku, dan aku yakin sukar juga bagi dia, tetapi semuanya kerana keadaan, tidak boleh nak ubah. Moga kami akan terus kuat. Moga ini yang terbaik buat kami, Ya Allah. Seperti selalunya yang dikatakan padaku, semangat semangat semangat!! Ambil itu sebagai cabaran, aja aja fighting! (^_^)

Mungkin itu sahaja untuk entri hari ini, sudah penat aku tidur, dan sudah penat aku melayan perasaan berseorangan.

Salam Ramadhan! 

Nothing

Sabar fit! :")

Mak Abah.:(

Maafkan, Nurul Mak Abah. :( I love u guys so much. Kadang- kadang Nurul terlalu mementingkan diri sendiri, Nurul terlupa yang betapa tinggi harapan kalian pada Nurul. I'm sorry for everything. :")

Mungkin selalu sahaja kau aku susahkan...
Terlalu selalu, hingga aku rasa bersalah mencengkam hati..
Aku pernah terfikir, mahu lari jauh- jauh, terbang jauh- jauh dari kamu,
Kerana aku tak perlu menjadi sebab kepala kamu pusing,
Supaya kamu bisa tenang dan tenang tanpa ada gangguan seperti aku,
Pernah juga aku mahu lari, biar sampai ke hujung dunia,
Agar kamu bahagia,
tidak perlu runsing melayan kerenah keanak- anakan ku,
Kamu tahu apa yang buat aku bahagia?
Aku bahagia bila kamu bahagia.
Jadi, untuk itu, biar aku menjauh.
Mungkin, kepala kamu bisa jadi ringan,
Hati kamu bisa tenang..
Jiwa kamu bisa tenteram..




*Menjaga Hati - Yovie and Nuno.

:)

Bismillahirahmanirrahim. :)

ENT!

ENT is so relaxed! Yes, ENT stands for Ear, Nose and Throat. Relax until I don't know what should I do, even I haven't even started studying for the community medicine yet. Haizzz.. Fitri, please don't waste so much time. Next semester is going to come anytime soon, which means that you are really very close to the P2S1 examination. Harus berusaha mulai sekarang. Please! (T__T)

*disappointed with my ownself yang sangat pemalas recently*

Please be istiqamah. Allah s.w.t really likes those who work hard, study hard and pray hard. Remember that please. 

Gather the pieces.

And with this weather, my feeling follows it, as always. True to them who say that weather affects your mood. To be precise, the current weather is a bit gloomy, cold, ready to pour the rain onto the lovely land. I close my eyes for a while, trying to focus with the sounds of the birds chirping, and trying to feel the breezes and the wind dancing, it is so calm I can assure you. Then, my thought focus on one thing, about the choices of life. To be specific even more, about choosing medicine as my future career. I am halfway the journey, actually about three quarter to reach the final end, Alhamdulillah I have made this far, and thanks to Allah for easing my ways and my friends. However, not all the good things remain. Throughout this journey, a lot of obstacles I have to face, I previously had to gather back the strength to continue after so many things happened, break the pieces of the dreams I have made, I bent a bit, taking each and every pieces, trying to resolve the broken dreams, and make sure it is still there, till the end. I knew, I have wasted a lot of tears, a lot of times, with a lot of small matters, but if it weren't because of all that 'small' matters, I don't think I can make it this far.

And since I have at this very end to the journey, a sigh or regret-fullness of what I chose shouldn't be there. I should be strong, stay calm and add up with the hardwork efforts to make sure that I manage to reach the end with a good trace and effect. To You , I pray Ya Allah, please help me in achieving my aims and goals, not only me, but to my friends out there, please ease our way. We really need YOU for this battle and battle afterwards.

About the other one matter, I would be lying if I didn't think about it everyday, yes, I admit I think about it almost every day and night, I keep thinking about what will happen to us, will we be strong as we are previously when we were tested with so many things? Will we be brave enough to cross the hurdles in front of us later, when we share our life together? Yes, true that, a lot more to come, what I can do now is PRAY days and nights wishing that we really are for each other till Jannah. Amin. And I pray that, for whatever happens, we have to be a matured fellow, resolving things in a matured way.

And thanks to this gloomy day, it glooms my mood so that I can think in an adult way at least la kan, not a childish post babbling about things happened in school. Hehehe. :)

As- salam .:)

Syukur

Syukur. Just a simple word but, we tend to ignore it, we tend to avoid it and just take it for granted. Have we ever thought that each day that passes, we live in this world if His with all those gifts and blessings from The Almighty? Have we ever thanked HIM for this? For giving us the chance to breath every second? Honestly, no. Yes, I am sorry if I kinda being so opened and rude, but it is true. Maybe when we wake up from the sleep early morning we will remember and thank Allah for His kindness. We say syukur and syukur,  the word keep dancing on our lips, but as the day passes, when we reach the night, all of these have gone, far away, far far away. We forget, and yes, the cycle begins.

Syukur. Reflected to my life, I experienced a lot of things lately. So that, I keep reminded that Allah s.w.t plans everything and what I can do is just tawakal for what I have done. Last Thursday, I had this end of posting examination which was ophthalmology and when I came to the OPD, I was told that Hospital Consultant, Dr. Choo will take my end posting. My heart pumped so fast, I was just so nervous, yeah because I never met this doctor. At all. I didn't what was his style and how I could tackle the questions being asked. What I did was just leave everything to Him. While entering to the examination room, I was asked to examined posterior segment of the eye of a Chinese man., late 50. I picked my ophthalmoscope from my labcoat pocket, starting with the distant direct ophthalmoscopy technique. Red reflex was seen both sides, but I mentioned to him I saw opacities on the right eye, and when I asked the patient to move his eyes, it seemed that the opacities moved opposite to the eye movement suggestive of lenticular opacity. He made one kind of facial expression that I couldn't understand.

Then I continued with the visualization of the retina. First thing I saw was the optic disc, then I looked at the blood vessels but they all seemed normal to me. But when it came to the inferior part of the retina, I could some kind of pigmentation, first I thought it was the PRP (pan retinal photocoagulation) scar but since the shapes were weird, I just simply said it was the macular photocoagulation. Again, that facial expression was made and it was very clear this time. I stumbled. Then I was asked to examine other patients' anterior segment, and I messed all of that, since I missed the ACIOL (anterior chamber intraocular lens), but luckily I managed to see the bleb and peripheral iridectomy. O Allah. Only He knew my feelings that time, one thing that came across my mind was that: SURELY I WILL FAIL. I was not confident at all giving my answers, I just stunted, I didn't know why. But Allah s.w.t sent this somebody to remind me to read Quran more, find the meanings, maybe I could be calm after that. He was right, yes, I was calm, felt relieved and tawakal. The feeling was so pure.

All night long I was accompanied with the tears and regret-fullness of what I have done. Why I didn't well? Why I couldn't see it? Why? I forgot about tawakal. Why I questioned all of that, since all have happened? I should have just prayed hoping that Allah will grant good good things? Instead, I cried and regretted of things that happened. :(

The next day in the afternoon, my groupmate texted me saying that all of us have passed the ophthalmology examination. Alhamdulillah. I smiled and thanked Allah s.w.t for granting my prayers. But, I was so eager to see the exact short cases mark minus the other assessment. I made my way to the admin building, went to the pasted notice board. There it was. The result. And as I expected, I obtained the least mark for short case, 25/50. Ya Allah, what kind of test you wanted to test me? Because throughout the postings I didn't have any problem visualizing the findings but on that particular day, I became lost and blanked, forgot everything I learnt. Why all my friends didn't have the problems I did? Why? Again those questions popped up into my tiny mind. I forgot that I should say 'SYUKUR' since at least I have passed, that is what that matters the most, the marks weren't that important. But, that was me, a person who really need constant reminder about 'SYUKUR'. I cried again and again, and HE sent me this somebody to remind me that I should be 'SYUKUR'. Everything has been planned by HIM. Maybe during the examination, the best student before get the most difficult case then he/ she fails, but the average student gets the easy cases and because of that he/she passes. We never know. What we have to do is doa, tawakal and syukur.  

Hold it for a little while.

From one corner of the phone line, she tried to hold her tears, trying so hard, till she somewhat couldn't catch a breath since an unnoticed sigh might sent a signal to him telling that she was not okay. She, wouldn't want the pumpkin to feel sad or guilty or wouldn't want to worsen the situation, let what she felt stayed deep down the heart, not even a single one mankind got to know about that. Yes, the pumpkin, the name given to him, as he was similar to the pumpkin in some ways. ( Sorry. ;) . But however, that couldn't hold for so long, the tears. It ran down the cheek like so fast, warm and accompanied by the melancholic mood. A brisk sigh, shrugging her shoulder, trying to maintain cool but she couldn't.

Why she always has to be reminded about the truth? Why she can't set in her mind that, those things are just in a fantasy for now? Why can't she agree to that, be patient for a little while longer, and just sit back and accept how the things have been arranged? And there she is. A little girl who always forget about those things, still dreaming in a day dream, wishing for something nice and happy, but instead those dreams are for the future, not for the time being, why can't she accept that I wonder?

Listening to the explaination given by the dear pumpkin, she froze, stupor like state, if and only if he could notice it. She frowned, and tears has stopped but still there was leftovers which kept flowing down. She felt so much guilty, feeling like a hard rock then hit her head, then only she came to know about the reality in front of the hazy fantasy. Then, she could think like a mature one, and yes, that hazy fantasy has made her a forgetful one, keeping those reality on one corner, leaving them just like that.

Now the reality has cleared the way, the hazy fantasy has slowly faded, yeah for a quite a time, that shouldn't be raised again, the fantasy. Let it bury deep down her heart, really deep down, if possible at the crux of it.

Don't put so much worry, as she is now has realised the reality. Sorry for the burden and demands that previously she keep on asking without trying to understand his feeling. That demands, I will remember, when one day, the time has come. I will try to get them back. From her heart, a thousands of sorry note paste now on each corner of his life. Yes, let's hide, hide from those people who never understand, let's disappear a little while longer, let's deny and keep denying.

The most important thing, sabaar. Assalamualaikum. 

Unknown

I know, drastically, things happened on me, for no reasons, change a bit physically. I didn't ask for it nor wish for it. I knew, what happened to me, just happened. Not like before. I know. But, please, stop judging me because of that, don't judge me for what happened. Those who keep saying I become like this because of my wish, you guys are totally wrong. But, special thank you for accepting for who I am, thank you to you. I am sorry for what happened to me. I'm sorry.

#np: the climb, miley cyrus

Allah is the best planner after all.

Yes, I do have my own plans, in sequences and prioritize what's important first, followed with the 'can wait' plans. We may have planned in such a way that A must happen, then B, then we want C to take place, whatsoever. But, the truth is, we can never so sure that all the dreams and long listed plans may come true as what we wish, isn't it? Because, of this reason. ;)






And this. :)

And so, make plans well, but just don't lose hope. Doa is the best thing. Try and do what you can do, but apart from that, please have faith that He is the best planner after all. ;)

So, what I need to do now? Or what you should do now with the plans?

These: (^_^)

Yes. This is what I will try to do, what I can do :)

Good night, and Assalamualaikum. :)

*listening to: Milik Siapakah Gadis Ini - Jinbara ft. Fiq.

El- Familia

Alhamduliilah, during the weekend, my whole family has come and visited me, here in Malacca. :)
I didn't know how to explain the feelings, but I was so happy! (^_^) With my mak, abah, sistas, and bros around felt so complete ;). And he were there too. Anak emas mak dengan abah, nak buat camana. :P. Here  are some pictures of us:

Coffee, my favourite ;)

gegar sikit. :D

myself ;)

adik, ina, adam

abah, ma, wa

talking to whom, ha abah? :D

and finally, us ;)

And just want to update, I watched The Amazing Spiderman today. And yes, it was the best compared to previous spiderman, as for me! <3<3<3. Plus, it holds some meaning to me too. Ehem! :) .

Part shy shy cat which was so cute! :)

Bench scene, the part which they talked. (sorry can't find other image,  this was what came out when I googled about bench part. ;p)

And some other more. ;)


Gotta go. Homework! :)

for the rest of my life

For the rest of my life. Maher Zain. * while the birds are chirping, and the perfect weather in front of my OU ( Ocular Uterque: means both eyes in Greek, optical term).


I praise Allah for sending me you my love
You’ve found your home it’s here with me, and I’m here with you
Now let me let you know
You’ve opened my heart
I was always thinking that love was wrong
But everything was changed when you came along, oh
And there’s a couple of words I want to say


For the rest of my life, I’ll be with you
I’ll stay by your side, honest and true
Till the end of my time, I’ll be loving you, loving you

For the rest of my life, through days and nights
I’ll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I, I’ll be there for you
I know it deep in my heart
I feel so blessed when I think of you
And I ask Allah to bless all we do
You’re my wife, and my friend and my strength
And I pray we’re together in Jannah
Finally now I’ve found my self, I feel so strong
Yes everything was changed when you came along, oh
And there’s a couple of words I want to say


For the rest of my life, I’ll be with you
I’ll stay by your side, honest and true
Till the end of my time, I’ll be loving you, loving you
For the rest of my life, through days and nights
I’ll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I, I’ll be there for you
I know it deep in my heart
And now that you’re here, in front of me
I strongly feel love
And I have no doubt, and I’ll sing it loud
And that I will love you eternally


For the rest of my life, I’ll be with you
I’ll stay by your side, honest and true
Till the end of my time, I’ll be loving you, loving you
For the rest of my life, through days and nights
I’ll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I, I’ll be there for you
I know it deep in my heart

story

*tiada kena mengena antara yang hidup atau tiada*



Being a kid those days wasn't a good experience for me, not the whole time, but most of the time. Nobody seems to like me much, even my parents, they seem to ignore me, I was kind of black sheep in the family, always make everybody else annoyed with me. Not everybody pleased with me. Sometimes, I tried to find the reason behind, why they seemed to hate me so much. Was it because I was the ugliest in the family sort of, or maybe I did a lot of things that troubled their lives or maybe, sometimes I had the thought that I was not their daughter. Being screamed, babbled, pinched, all those things I have experienced. They love my sisters more than they love me, it seems. And almost every night, my ending of the days were with tears and swollen panda eyes. I woke up every morning with new aims and missions, I wanted to prove them I will be all better when I grew up, I wanted to make them proud one day and I wanted to please them, I knew they have sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings. During that time, I really didn't know where to turn to. I didn't have good friend to share, I couldn't even share it with my sister, it surely would make things worst. Finally, all the sadness and sorrows, I buried deep in my heart. As what I could remember, there was one time, I was being chased from my own home. And that was final, I cried and cried, and there came my little brother, who was very little that time, didn't know anything about hurt and being hurt, he came and comforted me, saying good things, trying to cheer me up. I hugged him very tight, never wanted to let him go, at last there was someone who understood what I felt deep inside. I didn't speak to both my parents for almost a week, then again, I apologized to them, for the things that I didn't even know why I did that. During that time, I did have a diary to tell what I've been through and what was my aim, and my sadness in between. I kept thinking and thinking, trying to search the answer for that, why they hated me much, why they didn't seem to love me, why it seemed that I always made them annoyed with me. Yes, ANNOYED with me. I tried to convince myself that whatever happened, they still love me. still. Because one of teacher has mentioned, whatever happened, your mom always love you, even she didn't show it. I took my teacher's word and kept repeating it played through my head. And I kept praying, I hope, someday I can prove to them, I will be a better daughter to them, trying to pay back what they have done to me, trying to repay those sacrifices they have done for me.. And that time also, fairy tales did have impact on me. I wished that someday, there came the prince trying to save me from this gloom of day, trying to find the light that have gone and trying to cheer me up and enlighten my day.

I think I have found him. My heart strongly said yes, I have found him. But, unfortunately, I think I do always make him annoyed with me, I sulk most of the time and cry almost everyday for no reason. I always put the blame on him for everything's happen, I always hurt his feeling, and the worst part is, I accidentally make him feel guilty for no reasons. To you: I am sorry I have hurt you much, I annoy most of your days, I disturb you with all my problems, I am so sorry. I know, I was known to be a trouble maker girl, I am no good, I am so imperfect. And even now I think I really am a trouble maker, I am SORRY for hurting you a lot these days, making you guilty most of the time, and for the ANNOYED behaviour I have. I just want to tell you, I have a lot of bad behaviours which you know and you may not know. I can't avoid that, I really can't, it just stuck with me. With the problems I made since I was a kid, you knew now right I am no good girl. Please know that. And please know that, I don't have anyone else to carry with me my burdens, I have you one and only. I know, I am not a little girl with good behaviours and less sulking habit, I am opposite to that. Again, SORRY for my annoyance to you, truly sorry. I love you. 

Good bye Games.

There it goes. Today, I summarized all the games that I have participated for the Manipal Unity Cup under the team FIRE, 'as hell'. ( I just added up the 'as hell' part.;p) Almost all the games for female I participated, hahaha, tak malu kan? Hmm, but that's just me. I just love sports even, I am not that good in playing all those games like:

• netball
• basketball
• handball
• volleyball

Yes, not good, not good. Seriously, among all the games, I just don't have one particular game that I mastered. But, you know what, I LOVE playing volleyball, sangat sangat. :") But for today, I just played 3/4 of the first set. Okay la kan, dapat jugak melepaskan rindu. I just hope that, one day, I can play volleyball again, not for the match, but just random games like that. :)

And for the updates, tomorrow, I will be starting my new posting which is OPHTHALMOLOGY, the study of eyes, big eyes, small eyes, sepet sepet eyes like you know who you are, and scary scary eyes. I just hope everything just goes well. 

And today, the first letter was delivered. First one. It's been a while, but yes, this was the first letter. Nak kumpul banyak- banyak, buat kenangan. <3.

If I miss them, this is the corner. Both the pictures and the plastic tree <3

Old Friend. Ng Wen Jia

And I miss my old friend, very old one, friend in high school.

Try to contact her, but I lost her phone number, even I don't have her facebook, or twitter account.

I remembered about those letters that we exchanged, it means a lot to me. :) How I felt much happy those days, thinking that I might be getting a letter a week, and while reading it, there was a joyous smile from my face, the true one . She is not a Malay, she's a Chinese, she was very kind, she was two years older than me.   I just hope that one day I might be seeing her again :)

future

Saya cakap saya nak pause kan? Seems I can't do that. Haha! :) Ade je benda nak dingarutkan.
Nothing much, just so you know, all my future plans, there's always you in it. Always. That's why, if an expressionless of yours coming out from you voice ( I knew you didn't mean it love, I knew:), I feel a bit sad., actually sadness between mild and moderate. But yeah, never mind. I understand. Sometimes, hey come on, there's no need of an eager face and smile kan. Hee. ;) . That's all for today. :)
Good luck for those who are having end posting exam tomorrow. Good luck, esp to you. :)

Pause a while ;)

Taking a pause from blogging. Will update later ya after the exam. ;)

#nowplaying: Hati Ini Telah Dilukai. - Ajai dan Kris Dayanti. 

I'm sorry for all the burdens

I blink and blink. I look here and there, up and down. I peep through my red money bag ( the purse actually) . It is as thin as the morning air. I am so desperate. I don't know where to turn to. I really don't want to burden them, really don't. How can I survive for that long, nearly two months? Everytime I called them, listening to their voices and what they do everyday, wake up as early as 6 am, making the way to the morning market for abah, selling goods for the mothers to cook, each pack of onions equals to about RM2 and mak drove her car to school, never tired of teaching small kids, learning how to add, minus, multiply and divide. Not much money they can make, but enough to raise us all five up till now.

How can I call them and ask for money this time? They spent for me a lot, I don't have the strengths to burden them anymore, I really can't. Even to pay all the moneys they have spent for me isn't enough. Yes, I am born to a middle class family, just enough to live, not much money for luxury, but Alhamdulillah, I still appreciate it. Thank you, Allah. :")

Maybe, there will be someway waiting for me ahead. Maybe. Still, I don't want to burden them for me, no more. Let's launch diet! Maybe this is my way to be skinny. :)

End of Long Case Ortho

Today was a long case EOP day. Alhamdulillah, just leave the rest to Him, The Almighty. After this, I have to finish doing my portfolio, two long cases and four short cases. Then, I have to start studying for the mcq and meq.

But before all of that, what I need to do are:

• tidy up my room
• wash my dirty clothes
• keep away my clean clothes
• Badar war, usrah homework

that's all. 

Note: Just so you know, maybe, after this, I will never mention about anything even I really want you to ask me. If you do remember, do ask me, but if you don't, no reminder again like that. I will not blame you, it's not your fault, because it really a small thing, but such a small remembrance about small thing of mine, really please me. :) It kinda hurt actually, when you have to remind somebody to do something so many times, but they always forget, as if they don't care about you. :(. Peace! Smile again! :)

Salam. :)

Logam

Logams. Do I have those? I have searched countless times, but it seems that I don't find any. Not a single thing. *sigh*

They maybe have, but I don't. Or maybe, I don't have the chance to discover that., maybe? 

I know, somewhere, I do have my own logams, but maybe not now, even there are certain things that at 

first, I really thought they are my strengths but they aren't.

 I lose the talent, slowly and slowly and it leaves me unnoticed without warnings.

Goodbye. I would like to close my eyes now, dreaming at my dreamed places, trying to find peace and 

calm, because deep down my heart, it slowly eats my soul away. SLOWLY. 

I used to have them, but not now. I USED TO. 

The Proposal. Sandra Bullock

Owh, I love this wedding gown! So classic and yet simple. Okay, note this! One of my list. Haha. Yeah, I know, it might seem a bit too early to plan about this, but I just scared that I might be forgotten about this one of the beautiful gown I wish to have when one day the right time has come. Hee. :P

A bit bigger for her, but when it is adjusted, it fits to her body :) -The Proposal, Model: Sandra Bullock-

I so love this!

Doesn't she look so beautiful? ;)

The drawing.